Not A Girl, Not Yet A Woman.

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year?

2011-12-26T17:44:00.000-06:00

It's that time of the year, the time that has been described as "the most wonderful time of the year" and the "happiest season of all". Normally, I would be in agreement with both of those phrases. This year? I am struggling to get into the Christmas spirit.

I have known since losing Anna that this would be the hardest holiday. That we could get through Thanksgiving. We could get through the anniversaries of her death (although those are pretty hard too). But I knew Christmas would be hard. Christmas was the one time a year that we had so many traditions the 4 of us as a family. And a lot of these traditions involved things Anna and I did together. I couldn't imagine doing this holiday without her. And yet... here we are. Celebrating Christmas without her.

I wish so badly that we spent the night together Christmas Eve night, like we do every year. That we would wake up in the morning and see what Santa left us. That we would be together.

It doesn't help that when I think of last Christmas, which turned out to be our last Christmas together, I am filled with regret. For whatever reason, I was crabby and grumpy when we were decorating our Christmas tree together. I didn't take the time to be thankful for these memories or to appreciate the fact that we were all together. On Christmas Eve, Anna and I always spent the night together in my room. We didn't have slumber parties very often, so this was one of my favorite traditions. Last year, we got in a fight... over what to watch on TV. If you spent much time with the two of us, this wasn't surprising at all. Not only did we fight a lot, but we also fought over the TV a lot; it was just something that was hard for us to agree on for whatever reason. I don't remember the details, but she got frustrated and went to bed... in her room. And I was too stubborn to say I'm sorry so she would come sleep in mine like usual.

What I would give to have a do-over on that night... if she would come back, I would let her watch whatever she wanted on TV. I hate myself for fighting over such a petty, stupid thing. Do I think that she spent every night after that thinking "God my sister is such a bitch" or "she ruined christmas"? No, not at all. Anna and I fought, but we were also really good at getting over it and moving on quickly. That one fight (or any of our fights) didn't define our relationship. I know that. But it hurts to think that was my last chance to carry on these traditions with her and I ruined it.

Last Christmas, we just found out that Anna had relapsed and that she would need chemo again. The future was so unknown, but we didn't stop hoping. However, it wasn't far from my mind that Anna was sick. I remember laying in bed that night, already regretting our fight, and thinking "this could be our last Christmas together...". But just as quickly as the thought entered my mind, I made it go away. "That's not going to happen," I reassured myself, trying to make the feeling of panic go away. "She's going to be fine." How badly I wish that were true...

I miss her. I miss our traditions. I miss the way Christmas used to be. But I know that Anna wouldn't want us to spend our holiday being sad. She never wanted anyone to be sad. And as hard as it was, I did it. I made it through the holiday that I didn't want to happen.

Did I wake up on Christmas morning and think about what I would be doing if Anna were still here? Yes. Did I wish that we were sitting at the top of our stairs together, waiting to be given the "ok" to see what Santa left us? Yes. But, I did it. I didn't spend the whole day feeling sad. I didn't dwell on what was or what could've been had things turned out differently (well, not much anyway). Instead, I counted my blessings. I was thankful to be spending the day with my family, both immediate and extended and our friends who are like family.

Although I would have liked to learn these lessons an easier way, I have learned so much from losing Anna. I truly appreciate all the relationships I have in my life and I do my best not to take moments for granted. I took last Christmas for granted, and now I regret it. Was I in a great mood the whole time this Christmas? No! Did I have my moments where I was less than in the Christmas spirit? Absolutely. But would I have appreciated all these moments before? I don't know.

I found this poem on another blog awhile ago, and saved it for this specific holiday. There are a lot of versions of this poem and a lot of similar poems out there, but this one gave me a lot of comfort because I feel like it is exactly what Anna would say if she could talk to us.

My First Christmas in Heaven

I see the countless Christmas trees
around the world below
With tiny lights like Heaven's stairs,
reflecting in the snow.

The sight is so spectacular,
please wipe away the tear,
For I am spending Christmas
with Jesus Christ this year.

I hear the many Christmas songs
that people hold so dear,
But the sounds of music can't compare
with the Christmas choir up here.

I have no words to tell you,
the joy their voices bring,
For it is beyond description,
to hear the angels sing.

I know how much you miss me,
I see the pain inside your heart.
But I am not so far away,
We really aren't apart.

So be happy for me, dear ones,
You know I hold you dear.
And be glad I'm spending Christmas
with Jesus Christ this year.

I sent you each a special gift,
from my heavenly home above,
I sent you each a memory
of my undying love.

After all, love is a gift
more precious than pure gold.
It was always most important
in the stories Jesus told.

Please love and keep each other,
as my Father said to do.
For I can't count the blessings or love
He has for each of you.

So have a Merry Christmas and
wipe away that tear.
Remember, I am spending Christmas
with Jesus Christ this year.

I know that Anna is up in heaven smiling because she is pain free, she's experiencing so many awesome things and because she's proud of us for not only being strong but continuing to live out her legacy.

Anna and I at Christmas Eve dinner last year in our matching pajamas :)

Thrift Store Pen Pals!

2011-11-22T14:53:00.000-06:00

It's been awhile since my blog was lighthearted and funny. Once upon a time, I used to be funny on my blog, you know, before life got so serious. It's not that life isn't serious anymore and you better believe I will still be blogging about Anna, but for now, I thought we could use a change of pace around here. That is why I knew I had to sign up for Thrift Store Pen Pals. This is the perfect opportunity to do something completely different on my blog!

What is thrift store pen pals you ask? Well, Woody at Woodn't Ya Know It started posting about random, crazy items he would find while thrift store shopping. These posts were always hilarious and intriguing to say the least and it was the kind of post I wished I could write. Luckily, he came up with the brilliant idea of sharing this ingenious idea with us, his blog readers. So, he sends you an item in the mail and you blog about it. Easy enough, right?

So.. lets talk about what I got! After reading the other Thrift Store Pen Pal posts, I was really excited to see what I got. I was surprised when I got a box and not an envelope or something smaller. I looked at the return address and knew that my pen pal item had arrived! I tried to use context clues to guess what it was; I shook the box a little to see what it sounded like. It was a little heavy, but not too heavy. What could it be?
I opened up to find....

This.
That, my friends, is what they call a Doll Baby (or as it says on the box DOLL BABY... although I think the capital letters make it a lot more creepy). Personally, I think I would have named it something a little different like... creepy doll missing her body or creepy doll head, I don't know but Doll Baby just sounds so affectionate and cute... everything this thing is not. Let's take a closer look, shall we? Here is Doll Baby removed from her ~~home~~ box.

Immediately, I looked for some sort of warning on the box... I thought maybe it would say "caution! Do not let your children play with this for they will be seriously creeped out for the rest of eternity," or maybe "Beware! This is not a toy! It is simply meant to f**k with peoples minds." ~~Strangely~~, Turns out I didn't find any kind of warning. What I did find, though, is some interesting information about the origin of "Doll Baby".

In case you can't read it, this is basically Doll Baby's origins. It says she was created by someone named Martha Nelson Thomas. Remind me to be on the look out for people with that name because, seriously, who comes up with something like this? Anyway, the history basically says that Martha thinks you should "cuddle, love and play with" dolls. Novel concept, Martha! Except wait... who wants to cuddle with a body-less doll!? Not me. Anyway, after reading the history I came to the conclusion that Doll Baby does in fact have a body... you just have to buy it separately and sew it together... I think. Now there are a few problems with this philosophy: First of all, you have to know how to sew. If you don't.. well I guess you don't get a body to go with your doll head. And second of all, how many parents do you think forget to buy the body? They are in a hurry and they grab the Doll Baby box not thinking anything of it and then they get home and have to face the question of "But, mom, why doesn't my doll have a body?" How do you explain that!?
Next, I discovered a check list on one side of the box. It is because of this checklist that I discovered this box contains much more than a ~~creepy doll head~~ Doll Baby! Check it out:

Not only does this box contain the doll baby doll head but also a birth announcement (really, for a head?), but also a certificate of authenticity, a name tag, care instructions, the Doll Baby story, and an instruction book with patterns and shoes (shoes... for a body-less doll?) The main thing that stuck out to me out of all this stuff was the Care instructions. Why? I don't know, but my instincts told me that this would be interesting, and I was right. Read carefully the care instructions for your doll baby:

The last 2 sentences are my favorite... "When you are ready to dress your baby again, you might want to sprinkle a little baby powder on its bottom... that's what makes them smell right!" Wait... I realize that you just washed a cloth doll and maybe that's why it wouldn't "smell right" but really? Baby powder? I hope they are kidding. The final sentence of these care instructions is by far the best: "By the way, Doll Babies are allergic to dog bites and sauerkraut." Hold up... what!!!? I don't even know what to say about this statement. I don't know if this is Martha's attempt at humor or what. Dog bites I guess I can understand... dolls that are neglected can likely be subject to a sad life of being a dog toy. But sauerkraut? First of all, who even eats sauerkraut? I'm guessing no one who plays with baby dolls (or baby doll heads, whatever) eats sauerkraut. Maybe I'm wrong, and Martha knows something I don't. Stranger things have happened...
Oh and just in case you were wondering, this is not the only version of Doll Baby. So, if you decide you want a Doll Baby for yourself (they're available on Ebay, I googled it), there are lots of options for you to chose from. See for yourself:

Lets just say I appreciate the Doll Baby I got a little more after seeing the other ~~more creepy~~ variations.
Now the question remains... what should I do with my Doll Baby now that she has been blogged about? I'm thinking I may have to take her to class with me one day and blog about people's reactions. Or, you know, she might make a really great prank to pull in the sorority house... Thoughts!? What would you do with your Doll Baby?!
Once again, I'd like to thank Woody for allowing me to participate in this fantastic blog series. Make sure you check out all the other Thrift Store Pen Pals too!

*Disclaimer: All pictures were taken on my iPhone, so I apologize for the crappy photo quality. I probably didn't do Doll Baby photography justice...

PYHO: Her Legacy Lives On

2011-10-26T09:57:00.000-05:00

This weekend was a weekend I’ve been looking forward to since going back to school. At the end of the summer, it was so hard to say goodbye to the people I’d spent my entire summer with, especially knowing we were all going to different places across the country from each other and that it would be months before we’d see each other again. This weekend was the weekend that we would finally all be reunited. And that was only part of the reason why this would be a special weekend. There were so many amazing things happening this weekend it was hard to know what to look forward to the most.

As luck would have it (actually I have no doubt that it had nothing to do with luck and everything to do with this weekend being meant to be), I didn’t have classes Friday so I was able to fly home Thursday night and begin preparing for the weekend ahead.

The first event was Friday night at my high school homecoming game. Last year, Anna was crowned Homecoming Queen for our high school. Tradition serves that last years queen crowns the new queen every year. This year, our high school asked me if I would do the honor of crowning the queen in Anna’s memory. To say I was honored would be an understatement. I had hoped, knowing this tradition, that they would at least honor Anna in some way but I had never anticipated being asked to be involved. Of course, every part of me wished that I was there watching her do it herself, but it meant a lot to me that they asked me to do it in her memory. I know Anna was proud. The girl that won told me she really felt Anna's presence through me, and that meant so much to me that I can help carry on Anna's spirit.

By Friday night 4 of Anna’s friends were in town and amazing reunions were had. I really didn't realize how much I missed them until I realized how happy I was being back with them. These people are my favorite people, but that is a whole other blog post in itself. The best part was it felt like we had never left each other. It felt so normal and so right to be back at my house hanging out like we did all summer.

Saturday was an early day but for an awesome reason. Children’s Hospital, where Anna was treated, holds a Red Balloon Race every year. One of Anna’s classmates started “Team Float On” in Anna’s honor, so we all went to support the team. It was really amazing to see all the people who came out to honor Anna.

Our team tent was definitely the best looking one out there!

Me and the friends of Anna's who had arrived so far.

By Saturday night, everyone was finally back together! My cousin Becca came in for the weekend and the rest of Anna’s friends had arrived.

The entire weekend just being together with so many of my favorite people was obviously fantastic, but Sunday was possibly the best day ever. Anna’s favorite band was Manchester Orchestra. On the last good night of her life, after high school graduation, she went to see them in concert, got brought up on stage and serenaded by the lead singer. The look on her face when she got home that night was one of pure joy; she could not stop gushing about how nice they were, how amazing everything was, and how they invited her to Lollapalooza. She even joked that she and Andy were getting married (never mind that he's already married!). She thought the world of the band, and the feeling was mutual. They were so touched by meeting Anna they came out to play a few songs privately for her friends and family after her memorial service this summer. Since then, we have kept in touch with them and established a really great relationship with them.

This weekend, they were playing in Dallas, so of course we got tickets. However, not only did we get tickets to go to the show, but we invited the whole band to our house to hang out for awhile. There are no words to describe how awesome this was. Not only were we partying with rock stars, but the coolest, nicest, most down to earth rock stars you will ever meet in your life. They were genuinely so grateful to us for having them over, and they really made an effort to get to know all of us. One moment that really stuck out to me was when a few of Anna’s friends and I were talking to their drummer, Tim, and he was recalling meeting Anna and how much it changed him. He talked about how she has completely changed all of their lives and the direction their band wants to take. “I have a picture of her up on the fridge,” he told us, “and I look at it everyday and think about her.” Amazing proof of what an impact Anna had on so many people. As if that wasn’t enough, he also went around and asked each of us to share how we knew Anna. He genuinely wanted to know how each one of us had been a part of Anna’s life. Simply unbelievable and truly amazing is the only way I can think to sum it up.

The group with the band

Except it gets better. After spending the day getting to know this awesome band, we went to see them play that night. I will admit that up until about a week ago, I was only a Manchester Orchestra fan in theory. I knew a few songs, but most of those were the songs Andy played after Anna’s memorial. But thanks to a friend (shout out, Zach), I sought out more of their music and researched what they’d been playing on tour lately. It would have been an amazing concert regardless if I had ever heard any of the songs before, but after listening to the Manchester Orchestra playlist I created every day for the last week or so, I was easily singing along to almost every song. Pretty impressive, I’d say, for someone who used to tell Anna to listen to “good music” when she’d play bands like Manchester Orchestra. I have no doubt that she was so proud of me during that concert. It may seem like a small thing to say she has changed me because I enjoy her type of music now, but it is just one more way in which she has influenced me and everyone else who knew her.

To say the concert was amazing would be an understatement. Hands down the best concert I’ve ever been to is more like it. What is even more amazing, though is that they invited us to come hangout with them backstage after the show. As we were leaving, I had a conversation with two of the band members that I will never forget. "I don't think you know how much you mean to Anna's friends and family," one of her friends told them. I will never forget their response. "If anything," they told us, "It is the other way around. You all mean so much to us and Anna truly changed our lives and we are forever grateful." Simply amazing how much she changed their lives after only meeting them once.

2 of Anna's best friends, our cousin and I with the most amazing band ever.

It was impossible to go through this weekend and especially Sunday night with the band without thinking about Anna and how she is the reason for all of this. It truly makes me believe in the phrase I once hated; "everything happens for a reason". There was a reason Anna was healthy enough to make it to that concert that night, even though her health declined rapidly after that. There was a reason that she met the band. I've always said her purpose in life was to change lives. It was clearer than ever this weekend to see how she did that. Not only did she change her friends and family, but millions of other people including this amazing band who will continue to change people because of her. There is nothing that can replace her or take away the pain of losing her, but it sure does it make you think twice about being sad about it. I am so thankful that my eyes have been opened to see her purpose and how even almost 6 months after she passed away, her legacy of changing lives carries on.

I'm linking up with Pour Your Heart Out at Things I Can't Say.

PYHO: Healing

2011-09-14T16:19:00.000-05:00

Last week, I was talking to a friend who accused me of "slacking" on my blog. "I know," I told him, while listing my excuses "I'm back at school, and I'm so busy..." "Plus," I told him, "I'm kind of running out of things to say that I haven't already said." (I'm pretty sure this is what they call an epiphany!) His response was "maybe that's a good thing," and he explained that my writing for me is therapeutic; I write when something is bothering me and (obviously) what's "bothering" me lately (to put it lightly) is dealing with Anna's death. Maybe, he suggested, the fact that I have nothing to say means I am healing. Immediately, I felt guilty. How can I move on? How can I be ok with the fact that I no longer have my sister? I felt as if by healing I was a bad sister. A bad person. That I am doing something in this stage of grief.

The more I thought about it, though, I realized I was thinking about this all wrong. That this is, in fact, healthy. I am in no way, nor could I ever, forgetting what I have been through losing my sister. I will never forget the day my mom looked me in the eyes and told me that, yes, she was going to die. I will never forget the day she took her last breath. I will never forget the last time I told her I loved her. I will never forget her.

Healing also doesn't mean the pain isn't there. It doesn't mean that every time something reminds me of her I wish I could pick up the phone and call her. It doesn't mean that the 3 month anniversary of her death last week wasn't one of my saddest days. It doesn't mean that every time someone talks about siblings or their sister, that a part of me doesn't die a little. It doesn't mean that I don't miss her every day. All those things are still true, but they are getting easier. The pain doesn't go away; it just becomes a part of life and is therefore easier to deal with.

I know that is normal. I know that I can't and shouldn't spend the rest of my life being sad and crying. Obviously, life goes on. I also know that Anna would want me to move on, and to be happy. To live my life. She never wanted anyone to be sad, and this is no exception. So I have to let go of the guilt and let myself heal. Because even though I never wanted to live my life without her, now I have to.

I also know that this is still only the beginning; there were still be so many tough times ahead. I know that the grieving process doesn't really end; it will always be a part of my life. That just because I am starting to heal doesn't mean that I am over it. I will never be "over" losing my sister. I think that is why I was feeling guilty; because I felt that by saying I am healing, I must be over it. But I know that I am not all the way healed. I am NOT over it. I am just beginning the healing process, and that is a good thing.

Healing doesn't mean forgetting. It doesn't mean that the pain isn't there anymore. It just means that I am learning to deal with it.

I found this poem on facebook last week, and I think it is pretty perfect. "I wish heaven had a phone so I could hear your voice again. I thought of you today, but that is nothing new, I thought about you yesterday, and days before that too. I think of you in silence, I often speak your name. All I have are memories and a picture in a frame. Your memory is a keepsake, from which I'll never part. God has you in his arms...I have you in my heart."

Missing you, now and always...

I am linking up at Things I Can't Say with Pour Your Heart Out.

PYHO: Lack of Understanding

2011-08-18T01:59:00.000-05:00

When Anna passed away, I was granted some kind of gift. Whether it was from God, from Anna or from my faith that I have grown up with, I don't know, but I had some kind of understanding.

When I knew that Anna was getting sicker and I knew that it was a very real possibility she wasn't going to make it, I stopped praying for her to get better. It breaks my heart to even say that, but if I am being honest, in the last week or so, I didn't pray for that anymore. Of course I hoped with all my heart that God would choose to perform a miracle and save Anna. I wanted that more than anything. But I knew it was a very real possibility that that wasn't going to happen. So instead I prayed for understanding. That if God's plan for her involved bringing her up to heaven and away from this Earth, to please, please, please help me to understand why. Why her? Why now? Just why?

When she did pass on to heaven, I believe that I was able to see and understand why. And I believe that more than anything, that that is what has gotten me through these last 2 months. That is why I am able to accept that she is no longer here and why I never experienced that grief stage of anger.

But that all changed these last 2 days. Anna's good friend for over 10 years, Micaela, was fighting leukemia since December. When she was diagnosed, Anna was one of the first people she told. She leaned on Anna for advice, for answers to the inevitable questions that only someone else fighting for their life could answer. Anna and Micaela were warriors together and provided much support to each other. They were often in the hospital at the same times, and although in unfortunate circumstances, were able to spend amazing quality time together. Of course, being in the hospital and fighting for their lives did not lend itself to typical teenager bonding; instead of going out to the latest parties or going shopping like most people their age would do, they bonded over which neck pillows were the best when laying in a hospital bed all day; they bonded over trying on wigs together. Anna showed Micaela how to fill in her missing eyebrows and they bonded over the unfortunate thing they had in common; cancer.

Yesterday, Micaela couldn't fight anymore and she went to heaven to be with Anna. To say this came as a surprise would be an understatement. However, not only was I not prepared for her to die, I was also not prepared for how much this would effect me. You would think after losing your sister when she's only 18 that not much else could effect you like that. However, losing Micaela has effected me so heavily.

This is different. This time, I don't understand. This time, I don't feel a sense of peace. This time, I do feel a little bit of anger. And this time I am definitely asking why but not feeling like I'm being answered. In some ways I feel like I am back to square 1... like all the progress I've made dealing with losing Anna is gone and I have to start all over. My heart is breaking all over again.

This time, I have a whole new set of questions; not just why. One of the hardest parts about having someone you love in heaven is the unknown of heaven; there is just so much mystery behind the concept of heaven that you have to base everything on blind faith. This is the first time for me that I have experienced this.

When I shared the news of Micaela passing on facebook and twitter, one of the main responses I kept getting was "Anna is so happy to see her friend again", and to be honest, this confused me to no end. My first reaction was to think "Well, probably not" because in my head, I think of Anna as being sad to see Micaela in heaven. I think of her saying "you're not supposed to be here, you were supposed to get better" because of course that's what Anna wanted for her friend. I think of it as a bittersweet reunion; of course they are happy to be together and pain free, but does that mean that Anna isn't sad that her friend passed away? Am I thinking too "earthly" about this?

Upon further discussions with some close friends and family, some different view points were brought to my attention. "People say there is no sadness in heaven," my mom pointed out. "Do you think Anna knew Micaela was going to die before we did?", someone asked. I have to admit, I hadn't thought of these things prior to these conversations, and they make good points. However, it just left me feeling even more confused.

Perhaps the worst part is that there are no definite answers to be found. There is no way for me to understand exactly how heaven works and what heaven is like until I get there. I have to decide for myself what I believe. So for now, I guess I will deal as best I can with my lack of understanding. I will do my best to accept that I can't understand everything. But I will still wish I could...

My heroes... always and forever. Now two beautiful angels in heaven...

I am linking up with Pour Your Heart Out at Things I Can't Say.

Dear Anna (Letter 7)

2011-08-08T23:58:00.005-05:00

I skipped a couple weeks in writing to you, and I don't know why. I have so much that I want to tell you but lately I've been struggling to find the right words. I hope this gets better soon because writing to you is the best way to deal with missing you. Speaking of missing you, I still miss you so much. In some ways it is easier now that you've been gone 2 months; you kind of get used to the sadness that you feel all the time. But in a lot of ways it just keeps getting harder.

It is mostly getting harder because I have come to realize that as much as we don't want it to, life goes on without you, and as time goes on there are more and more moments that I wish you were a part of. It is hard to think of all the events that I wished you were a part of in the last 2 months and know how many more there will be to come.

Last week, I had a dream that was like I was looking into the future. I saw myself (a lot older) holding a baby that I guess was mine. I remember looking at this baby and thinking I needed a name for her. "Anna would know what I should name her," I thought and then I realized that I couldn't call you and ask for your advice. I can't even try to explain the pain I felt at that moment; I knew this should be a happy moment and I wanted to feel all that happiness but when I realized you weren't a part of it all I could do was cry. I know this was a weird way to explain the obvious; that I will miss you at important moments in my life such as this, but it just reminded me what is inevitable; that no longer how long you've been gone I will always miss you. Just because this dream took place several years into the future didn't mean I missed you any less then than I do now. I know I will never stop missing you.

Last weekend we had to say goodbye to you again. We had a service at Prince of Peace to put your ashes into the resurrection garden. It was the first time I'd been back to Prince of Peace since your memorial and funeral and as soon as I walked into that church, it was like I was reliving that day all over again. It was all too familiar; we parked in the same spot and walked in to the atrium where we were greeted by friends and family, we sat in the front row again... all I could think about the whole time were those days that we said goodbye to you. And now here we were, saying goodbye again. Mommy and Daddy decided that I could carry your ashes, and while it was an honor, it was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I was holding the last physical remains of you while Father Jim spoke about life after death and how your memory would live on. Then, I had to place the box of ashes into your resting place. I had to let go of you literally, and it was so hard. I didn't want to have say good bye; not again.

We had all of your friends over last weekend for one last dinner party before everyone leaves for college and it was amazing, Anna. I know I've told you this before but you really knew what you were doing when you picked your best friends; they are truly amazing people. I am so thankful that I have gotten to know them the way I have this summer; I just wish you were here to see how much we have bonded. Mommy gave us all frames that night with one of your journal entries in it. "One thing that has been on my mind is that I may some miss some moments I would want to be at," you wrote, "Or just I want to be thought of during this time. And I believe if I miss any of these times I will be there, and I'll be smiling and happy." This, I know, has brought us all so much comfort. It is impossible to be with your friends and not think of you. It is impossible to laugh with them, and to enjoy each others company without thinking of you. I can guarantee you that we are all thinking of you during these times, and wishing that you were with us. It is so comforting to know that you believe you are, and now I believe it too.

I can't believe it's been 2 months today, Anna. I think so much about your last days here. How I tried to spend as much time with you as possible. I remember laying in bed the entire day with you watching The Simple Life. We didn't always say much when we were together, but I cherished the time we spent together. I would do anything to spend just one more day with you. I knew our days were numbered, but I thought I had so much more time. I thought we would have time to say good bye, to talk about how much I would miss you. I wish we had that time...

I found this quote today and I couldn't have said it better myself: "You never said I'm leaving, You never said good-bye. You were gone before I knew it, and only God knew why. A million times I've needed you, A million times I've cried. If love alone could've saved you, You never would have died. In life I loved you dearly, In death I love you still. In my heart you hold a place, No one else will ever fill. It broke my heart to lose you, But you didn't go alone. Part of me went with you, The day God took you home."I will always miss you, Anna, and I always will but you are always in my heart.
Love,Iss.

P.s. How proud of me are you for this!!? You have inspired so many tattoos in your honor, I know you love that!

Dear Anna (Letter 6)

2011-07-21T23:42:00.000-05:00

Dear Anna,

As of yesterday, you've been in heaven 7 weeks. I don't even know how that's possible. Each Wednesday means it is a week longer that you've been gone and I wonder if I will ever stop saying "how is it possible that you've been gone so long?". I wonder if it will ever feel "real" that you're not here anymore. In the grand scheme of things 7 weeks seems so small, almost insignificant; however, right now it feels like forever.

Yesterday, I tried to remember the last conversation we had. What did I say? What did you say? It took me awhile, but finally I remembered. It was Tuesday, the day before you died. Some JP2 girls had just dropped off cards and graduation presents for you, so I came back to tell you that they had dropped that stuff off. I read you the cards they wrote; and it took everything in me not to start crying when they talked about how strong you were, and how inspiring you were. I didn't want to cry in front of you; I wanted to be strong for you. I remember after I read all the cards, you said to me "Thanks, Iss". So simple, yet it meant so much. I had no idea that would be the last time we would talk...

I've said before that I hope you're proud of me. For being strong without you, mostly. I know I adapted that strength from you so I know you're proud of me for carrying it on.

But now I know you have another reason to be proud of me. For whatever reason after you passed away I felt a strong urge to get to know you better. Maybe its because of my pinging guilt that I feel like I didn't do this when you were still here, maybe you placed that urge in my heart; whatever it is it's something I've felt passionate about lately. So the first logical thing to do was to use music to feel a connection to you. Music was your passion, but sadly was a passion we didn't share. I never attempted to get to know you through the music you loved. I never asked you to explain why these bands and these songs meant so much to you. Usually I was just begging you to turn that "crap" off and play something "good." Well, Anna, I know you are proud because you have converted me. At least somewhat. I'm not all the way there yet; I'm no band aid like you were. But Zach made me a CD of your favorite songs and I cant remember the last time, when given the choice I chose "my music" over yours. I put the play list on my iPod and I listen to it everywhere; at work, in the car (which I know you would tell me your car is very happy it's playing "good" music again. You always told me your car hated it when I played country.) and even on the airplane I listen to your music. The playlist of course includes bands I knew were your favorite like Manchester Orchestra and Modest Mouse, but also bands I've never heard of. Every time I press play, I can't help but think of you and how proud you are!

Part of me wishes I would have done this a long time ago; how hard would it have been to get you to make me a playlist? How hard would it have been to listen to your favorite songs just once? I think way back to riding in your car with you; I remember arguing over who's music we'd listen to you and you'd usually win with the simple argument "it's my car." I have vague memories of you sharing songs you loved with me but what they were I have no clue. I wonder if any of them ended up on this playlist.

It is not hard to figure out why this music was so important to you. A lot of them are like they were written specifically for you. Some of them are obvious, but some I find myself wondering what it is you liked so much about these songs. And I wish so badly that you were here to explain it to me. This will never stop happening; I will never stop wishing that instead of asking your friends "Why did Anna like this so much?" that I could ask you.

I finished "Heaven is For Real" the other day and for the first time since you passed away I feel 100% certain that that is where you are. That book gave me such a new, amazing understanding of heaven and what your life must be like now. I can only imagine how amazing it must be. For the first time I know for certain that heaven is real and that you aren't suffering anymore. It brings me great comfort to know that you read some of that book. I hope that it brought you a lot of comfort about your impending death. And for the first time I know for sure I'll see you again someday. I just wish there was another, sooner way to see you.

I miss you more and more all the time, Anna. I still can't believe you're gone. I still can't believe you're never coming back. But, you live on. You live on through all the people that remember you. All the people that you inspired. All the lives that you changed. Through me. To quote Modest Mouse (I know you would be so proud of me for quoting Modest Mouse!) "Your body may be gone, I'm gonna carry you in. In my head, in my heart, in my soul."

Love,

Iss

I found this picture of us this week and I love it! This was the night I came to your Awards Ceremony and you won Miss JP2; the most prestigious award they gave out that night! You looked beautiful as always and I was so proud of you!

Dear Anna (Letter 5)

2011-07-14T23:01:00.000-05:00

Dear Anna,

It’s been 6 weeks since you left us and I still can't believe it. I know you’re not coming back, but I will never stop wishing. I will never stop hoping that one day I’ll wake up and realize this was all a dream. In the last 6 weeks, I have learned a lot and felt a lot of things that I have never felt before. I have mostly learned a lot about grief. The thing I learned is that you don’t know when to expect the grief that is inevitable when you lose someone you love so much. Even though you feel it on some level all the time, you don’t feel it fully all the time. You feel it fully when you least expect it. I always miss you, but I never know what will make me miss you even more.

So far these are some of the things that have snuck up on me, making me wish so badly you weren’t gone.

When I’m on the airplane and it gets bumpy, I miss you grabbing onto my arm and looking at me with your big, beautiful blue eyes in fear. I always told you it was fine and I didn’t know why you were freaking out, but secretly I loved it. You were so independent and strong; it wasn’t often that you had to lean on me. In those few rare moments that you grabbed onto me out of fear, I got to feel like the protective older sister, like I could save you from your fear and that feels pretty awesome.

It was the same thing when it would storm outside. You would often crawl into my bed in the middle of the night because it was storming really badly outside and you were scared. Once again, I got to comfort you and be there for you. I would never admit it, but those loud thunders often made my heart race really fast too and so not only was I comforting you when you crawled in bed with me, but you comforted me too. It makes me feel pretty amazing that your safe haven was in bed with me, Anna. That speaks a lot about our relationship.

Last week, as I was packing to go to our annual beach trip, I missed you so much. Who would’ve thought an uneventful act such as packing would make me miss you so much? But you were my packing buddy! When we went on vacation together, Mommy would make us our packing list and we would hang it up in the hall between our rooms and we would pack together. Remember how sometimes I would just make piles of my stuff and you would organize it and put it all in my suitcase for me? I no longer have my packing buddy, and packing without you was so lonely.

When Mommy, Daddy and I were in Illinois and at the beach last week I spent a lot of time with our cousins. I loved spending time with them and having fun days out but I couldn’t stop thinking about how you should be there with us. I thought about all the funny jokes you would be telling and how we would all be laughing at you. When we played cards at the beach, I thought of all the times you begged to play cash. “I hate that game,” I would tell you. And I do. But only because you always win! I would gladly play cash with you all day everyday if you would come back…

Today I left to go to Missouri for the weekend to spend some time with my friends. As I left, I thought of all the times I’ve done this before; traveled from Dallas to Missouri. I thought of all the times that I was leaving to go back to school after being home and how I would come in your room and whisper good bye to you. “I’ll miss you,” I would say and I would always cry. It broke my heart to leave you every time. Even after 3 years of college, it never got easier to leave you. “I love you, Iss,” you would tell me and we would hug. “Call me soon,” you’d say. I promised I would, but how often did I actually call? I would just send you a text and let you know I landed and that I miss you, but then we’d go weeks or even months without talking. That’s my biggest regret, Anna. Sometimes when I left you’d even give me advice about whatever we’d talked about while I was home. Boys, or my friends or whatever it was, you’d tell me what to do and I loved your advice. I wish so badly you were here to talk to me about this trip; there are so many things I want to tell you and want to hear your advice on.

I started reading “Heaven is For Real” today. I need to know that heaven really is for real. I need to know that is where you are and that you are doing great. I know you are because you’re not in pain anymore and that is the one thing I keep reminding myself when I miss you. I think of how sick you were and how it broke my heart to see you like that and how happy you must be to finally be free of pain and healthy again.

Yesterday, I was trying to delete some videos off my phone because I’m running out of room and I came across this video of you and Katherine in the kitchen being your usual silly selves. You guys were playing music and dancing and laughing at each other and I remember watching you and just laughing and laughing. I sent the video to Katherine a few weeks ago and she said it made her miss you a lot. I understand now that I watched it. You had the biggest smile on your face. You looked so happy. And I heard your voice. And my heart stopped a little. I haven’t heard your voice in so long, and I miss it. I miss talking to you.

I miss everything about you, Anna and even though I am being strong it still hurts to know you’re gone forever. Never again will I have the kind of relationship that I had with you. There is nothing like the bond of sisters; nothing like growing up together and having literally a lifetime of memories. I told you things I didn’t tell anyone else. You were the first person I wanted to talk to when something exciting in my life happened. What do I now without you? I will always miss you, Anna, and sometimes when I least expect it. But no matter what, I am better because of you. I will continue to make you proud of me and I will continue to float on without you… even if it is hard.

I love the raw emotion here. I miss that laugh so much....

Dear Anna (letter 4)

2011-07-07T21:29:00.000-05:00

Dear Anna,

I wrote to you on facebook last week and I told you that this week would be the one I would miss you the most. I am sad to say that is true. I know you here with us at the beach, but it is so hard to not have you here physically. This place is full of memories with you, memories of us spending time together and spending time with our family. It breaks my heart to think we won't have any more of those memories.

From the minute that we got here to the beach house, I found myself turning around looking for my beach week companion. Looking for the person who was my refuge when I needed a break from the family. Looking for the person who was my other half this week. We didn't always spend a lot of time together when I was home for the summer because we were busy living our own lives, but this for one week every summer we had no choice; we were stuck together at the beach. I have so many great memories from this week; playing cards, laughing at Mommy, and just being together. Even though we may have spent half the week fighting, we always got over it and went back to being friends. And that right there sums up our relationship; we didn't get along all the time. We didn't always see eye to eye. It wasn't all "I love you" all the time. But we both knew how much we meant to each other and no matter what, we remained friends. Even though I regret wasting the time I had with you fighting, I would gladly argue with you if it meant I could have you back here.

Today, I talked to someone about how I felt guilty for not being sad all the time. I miss you so much but for some reason I'm just not sad as much as I feel like I should be. In fact, sometimes I find myself picking other people up when they aren't feeling strong, when they miss you like crazy. I find myself being the one to comfort them and I know that is you working through me. That is exactly how you were; always putting other peoples feelings ahead of yours. That is why you never told your friends that you were dieing. You didn't want them to be sad. That is pretty amazing, Anna. Still, sometimes I feel guilty and confused by the fact that I am not the one falling apart. I have my moments like everyone else, of course, but for the most part I am ok. And that confuses me. Why am I ok? Why can I function without you when I never imagined I would be able to? I don't know. I know that I loved you and I know that you knew that, so why does it matter? I don't know. Anyway, my friend I talked to about this told me that it's because you have a special place in my heart and that brings me comfort instead of grief. I think he said it perfectly; you will always be in my heart and on my mind and I think you gave me the ability to be strong without you. Thank you for that, Anna.

Tonight was family picture night at the beach and it was one of the hardest things that we've had to do without you. It was heartbreaking to turn around and realize you weren't there. It was heartbreaking to have to take our individual family picture as a family of 3 and not 4. It was heartbreaking that there are now 7 grandchildren in the picture, not 8. It was heartbreaking that you weren't here for us to take our sisters pictures together. Remember 2 years ago at the beach Mommy took so many of us and we were laughing at her the whole time?! I miss that. I miss you, Anna.

I still can't believe you're gone and that you've been gone for 4 weeks. I can't believe it's been almost a month. I can't believe that I have to live the rest of my life without you.

Sometimes, I think about what life would be like if you were still here and every time, I don't wish for you to still to be and be sick; I wish that you would've never gotten sick. I know that if you were still alive right now, you'd be miserable. Your health was so bad at the end, that there's probably no way you would've even made it to the beach. It was so hard to see you suffer, and it gives me so much comfort knowing that you are no longer in pain. But it doesn't stop me from missing you. And it doesn't stop me from wishing that you'd never gotten sick because then not only would you be here with us, but you'd be healthy and able to live your life to the fullest.

I know why God chose you, and I am proud that he chose you because of the impact you had. Because you could handle it with the amazing grace that you did. Because you are just the kind of Angel that heaven needed. I understand why he chose you; that he had a plan for you but I still miss you.

I wish we could have one last conversation. One last hug. One last "I love you". Share one last laugh. One more day just to be together. But we can't. So, I'll do what I know you would want me to do; be strong. Keep floating on. Just for you Anna...

I love you, and I miss you.

Love,

Iss.

At the time I hated this picture, because I have like 3 chins, but now it is such a special memory and a great representation of our bond as sisters. <3 I miss that laugh...

3 Weeks (PYHO)

2011-06-29T13:05:00.000-05:00

Dear Anna,

I'm really enjoying writing these letters to you. It is really helping me deal with my feelings about you being in heaven and not here with me. I hope you're not rolling your eyes thinking I'm lame or too cheesy but even if you are, at least you're getting my letters! On my last letter to you, someone told me I probably don't even have to ask God to pass on my messages to you; that I probably have a direct line to you and I think she's right. I think I can communicate straight to you, and I'm glad.

I can't believe you've been gone 3 weeks now. The day that you went to heaven is permanently embedded in my mind; in some ways, it feels like just yesterday. In some ways, I wish I didn't have that memory of you when you stopped breathing. No matter how hard I try not to think about it, I can't erase that from my mind and in some ways I am afraid that that memory will take the place of the good ones. In some ways, I am scared that I won't remember the good times because towards the end they were so few and far between. In some ways, it is hard to remember a time when you were healthy and you were truly yourself.

Lately, I keep doing things that I feel like I should be doing with you. Last week, your friends and I watched Almost Famous, your favorite movie. I definitely saw why it was your favorite movie; you are Penny Lane! I remember when Mommy told you that after you met Manchester Orchestra and they invited you to Lollapalooza and Daddy said "no!!! She's not ready for that yet!" ha! After seeing the movie, I see why that scared him so much! But I definitely see that in you; you were a total "Band Aid". It made me so happy to see your favorite movie and to understand why you loved it so much (even though I still don't understand why "It's All Happening" is your favorite quote??), but at the same time it made me so sad that I didn't ever get to experience that with you. I keep telling myself that we were different people; we liked different things and that's ok. I know it didn't make us any less close just because we didn't share the same taste in music. But I wish I would've made more of an effort to at least let you tell me about the bands you were listening to or to have watched Almost Famous with you. I feel like I would've known you better if we had shared that and maybe we would even bond over it. I'm making an effort now, even though I can't do it with you, to learn about the stuff that you loved. I made a Manchester Orchestra Pandora station and I am learning about the music you love! I guess it's my way of carrying you with me.

You taught me so many important lessons, Anna. And not just me, but everyone around you has learned from you. At the JP2 memorial, everyone spoke about how little their problems mattered in comparison to what you went through and it is so true. You showed us that the little things are not big things and that even when you're faced with big things you can triumph and not let it get you down.

I'll always remember a time last year when we were at the Beach. We were getting ready together for family pictures and I was complaining the whole time; "I look fat in this outfit. My make up looks crappy. My hair isn't cooperating." "Why do you care so much," you asked me. "I'm just really insecure," I told you, "I know you wouldn't understand what that's like." I didn't mean it, but I was always so jealous of how skinny and pretty and seemingly perfect you were. I couldn't imagine that you'd ever felt insecure. You shot back, "Yeah, I have no idea what it's like to be insecure." I realized what I had just said and how wrong I was. This was the first time you'd seen people since you started treatment. I looked at you and saw your wig that was covering a completely bald head. Your fake eyelashes that hid the fact that yours had fallen out. Your acrylic nails that covered up yours which were completely dead from chemo. Your eyebrows that were penciled in where yours used to be. These were all physical testaments to the fight for your life, but they were also all things to be insecure about. That day, I realized I may be insecure about my weight and my looks. I may not feel pretty all the time but at least I have hair. At least I am not fighting like hell just to stay alive.

I know I've said it before but I'm not angry that you're gone. In a way I feel blessed. God knew his plans for you. He knew he was gonna take you to heaven and make you an angel. He knew you would be sick and need a lot of love and care and he chose us. He chose me and mommy and daddy to be your family and be by your side through this journey. He chose all your friends because he knew they would make you forget your pain and they would feel it with you too. It is pretty amazing to think that God gave you to us knowing your ultimate fate. For that I will be eternally grateful because I would not be who I am today if you weren't my sister.

Yesterday, I was asked if I have kids someday how I will tell them about you. What will I say that will help them feel like they know the Aunt they'll never get to meet? I thought a lot about it and you know what I'll tell them, Anna? I'll tell them that you are my hero. That you're the strongest person I've ever met. That you are the most beautiful person I've even known both inside and out. That you inspired millions of people and millions of prayers were said for you. That even though it is sad that you can't be with us here on Earth, that you are so special that God needed you more. That I miss you everyday and my heart will always hurt, but I am stronger because of you. That you are in heaven watching over them. That they have the best possible Aunt ever because they have an automatic guardian angel.

I love you so much, Anna and I will never ever forget you. Thank you for being my sister, my hero, my guardian angel. I hope you are having one hell of a time in heaven!

I am linking up today with Pour Your Heart Out at Shell's place.

Dear Anna (2nd edition)

2011-06-21T02:02:00.000-05:00

Dear Anna,

I know God is passing on my messages to you, and I'm glad because I have so much to say to you that I need you to hear.

First of all, this one is obvious but I miss you so much it hurts. Lately, everyone's lives have started going back to "normal"; Daddy and I went back to work, and most of your friends did too. We aren't planning your funeral or making decisions about that stuff anymore. Instead, we are trying to move on with our lives and go back to the way things were before you went to heaven.

I didn't think that this would be hard. I don't know why, but it never occurred to me how hard this would be. Although it is nice to stay busy and do something during the day, it kind of reminds me of how much I miss you. It's hard to explain, but I guess doing things "normally" makes it more clear how not normal things are now. We can go on with our lives the way they were before, but we can't ignore the fact that our lives aren't and never will be the way they were before. Life can't be "normal" or the way it was when you were still with us because you're not with us anymore. Not physically, anyway. It doesn't feel right for our lives to keep going when yours here on Earth came to an end. It just feels like we are pretending to be normal when we know we can never be normal again.

Today, when I was driving home from work, I thought about you and for a minute, I thought that I would see you. I haven't been to work since you went to heaven, so it has always been a normal part of coming home to see you. I was looking forward to seeing you and asking you how your day was when all the sudden I remembered. I remembered I wouldn't see you when I got home. Not today, not ever. And it felt like I lost you all over again, Anna.

I want so badly to talk to you, to see your beautiful smiling face again. To hear your laugh after you "nailed a funny joke".

I know you would tell me I'm crazy, but I have so many regrets about your life. I hate that I was away for so much of the last year of your life and that we would sometimes go months without talking. If I could have those days back, I would call you 200 times in a row if that's how many times it took you to answer the phone! I would demand more skype dates. I would do whatever I could to stay updated with your life. I feel like I really missed out on a lot by not keeping in touch better and it kills me. I'm learning so much about you from the memories your friends share (by the way so are Mommy and Daddy. They're learning things about you you probably never wanted them to know!). I love hearing their stories about you, but at the same time it makes me sad that I missed out on that stuff. That I'm just hearing these stories from them, and that I didn't hear them from you when it happened. If only I would have picked up the phone or sent a text and said "what did you do last night?" maybe I would've known some of these things sooner.

I know I can't live life in regret and I know you wouldn't want me worrying about stupid things like this, so I'm trying to let it go.

Before I go, I just wanted to tell you that you picked great friends. You definitely knew what you were doing when you chose your best friends because you left me with some great sisters and brothers. It is amazing how close we have become, Anna, and it is all because of you. We all miss you, but we are helping each other heal the hurt that you leaving us has put in our hearts.

I love you, Sissy, and I will always miss you but I am so happy to know you are in a better place. I am so happy you're not suffering anymore and I can only imagine all the cool people you are meeting up in heaven! I'll see you again someday.

Love,
Iss

I miss this...

The First of Many

2011-06-20T00:01:00.000-05:00

When we knew that Anna's life was coming to an end, there were several conversations between family members and I about what life would be like without her and how we would go on. One conversation in particular stuck out to me because it was something that had not crossed my mind before.

While eating lunch with my uncle, we were discussing Anna's impending death and how unfair it seems.
"Nothing will ever be the same," he pointed out. He went on to talk about our annual family reunion, her birthday, and every holiday after she passes away and how they would never be the same.

Today, on the first holiday we have experienced since Anna passed away, I realize how true those words are. Nothing will ever be the same. And today? It wasn't the same. My heart broke for my dad as he experienced his first father's day without one of the people who made him a father. As we ate dinner as our new family of 3, it was clear things were not the same. There was something missing. Someone, to be exact. My mom picked out gifts for him she thought Anna would pick out. But she wasn't here to deliver them. She wasn't here to wish my dad a Happy Father's Day, or to give him a hug.

As I reflected on this bittersweet holiday, I came to the realization that this is the way things will be from now on. Not just holidays, but every happy moment from now on. We will still enjoy the holidays and the happy moments in life, of course but a part of us will be hurting. Our hearts will ache from the pain that losing Anna has caused. We will wish that she was here, but we will also take comfort in the fact that she is here in spirit and that she is in a better place. Nothing will ever be the same, how could it be? But this life without Anna, this new normal is in place of how things were before and we have to make that the best it can be. We have to take things one step at a time, and today we accomplished one step; we made it through the first holiday. Sure, there will be many more to come but we can at least take comfort in the fact that we know now we can do it.

The two luckiest girls in the world to have such a great dad..

One Week

2011-06-15T17:25:00.000-05:00

One week ago today, my sister went to be with God in heaven. One week. Normally such a small, insignificant amount of time but in this case it feels like forever.

This past week has been filled with emotions I hoped to never have to experience; anger, regret, sadness, disbelief and so much more. This past week has been filled with events I hoped to never have to attend; a memorial at mine and Anna's alma mater, her visitation and funeral. This past week has been one of the worst of my life, and yet I know I have only just begun the grief process.

Monday night at her visitation, several people got up and spoke about her life. One of which being my Uncle Dan. He started out his speech with "My God, My God why have you forsaken me?" and went on to explain that this is how he felt in regards to Anna's death. In a word, angry. To say he is alone in these feelings would be ridiculous, however, I am not one who shares these feelings. I completely understand why other people would feel angry and perhaps as I continue this grieving process, I will be later on. But for now? How could I be angry? And whom should I be angry with? God? What good does that do me? What good does being angry at all do me?

Am I upset that we lost Anna? More than I can say. Do I miss her? Every minute of every day. But am I angry? No.

I have known for awhile that Anna's life was coming to an end. Especially in the last week or so of her life; things were declining fast, and I knew it wouldn't be much longer. So, instead of praying for God to heal her (although I still desperately hoped he would) I prayed for understanding. If God was going to take her from us, there had to be a reason. A damn good one, I'm sure. So, I prayed for him to grant me the understanding of what exactly that plan was. To show me why he needed her more than we do here on Earth. And I believe that after her death, he truly opened my eyes and showed me what he needed her for.

Her purpose here on Earth was to touch peoples lives and to inspire people to be better. I have seen first hand in the past week how many lives she touched and inspired. People she's never met and who have never met her are inspired by her. They just hear her story and are inspired. First, it was the memorial at our high school. People got up and spoke about their memories with Anna and how they were better for knowing her. Even people who didn't know her spoke about how they wish they would've gotten the chance and they felt so disadvantaged for not knowing her. And even though they didn't know her, they too were inspired by her. The outpouring of people that showed up for the memorial and the funeral Monday and Tuesday made it clear how many lives she touched. People from all over loved her.

Did she have to die for that? Couldn't she have continued to touch lives from here on Earth? I don't know. I have no doubt that she would continue to touch lives, but all of us here on Earth are better off for knowing her. Now it's time for her to touch some people up and heaven and live out whatever other big plans God has for her because I'm sure he has some.

So although my heart is broken and I wish she didn't have to die, I am not angry. I'm sad. I miss her. I wish she could come back, but be healthy. In some ways, it feels like just yesterday I saw her beautiful face, that we were laughing together and gossiping about boys. In other ways one day without her feels like forever, so a week feels like a lifetime. I will miss her forever. I have a lot more grieving to do, I am sure but I have no doubt that Anna has given her strength to me and that is what's helping me get through this.

This video was made in honor of Anna, by her great friend. It was played at the memorial and it is a great representation of what a wonderful life she lived. She will be missed by all, but will continue to touch lives, no doubt about it.

Dear Anna

2011-06-14T09:14:00.000-05:00

Dear Anna,

Today* we celebrated your life during a beautiful memorial service. All your friends and family and people you didn't even know gathered together to honor you.

Today was a day I've been dreading since you went to heaven; I know I already said goodbye to you, but this would be so final, so real. I was scared about whether or not I could handle it. I thought about how strong you always were, and how strong you would want me to be, and I hoped I could do it for you.

Today, I know you were with me, Anna, because you gave me your strength. Although it was a tough, emotional day, I was able to hold it together and be strong. I've been thinking a lot about what I learned from you, and what traits you "passed on" to me. You were always more concerned with others than yourself; that was said over and over today and it is so true. You never told your friends you were dying because you didn't want them to be sad. You didn't want me, and Mommy and Daddy to be sad either. You would do whatever you could to make everyone else happy. I think you passed that trait on to me, because this past week I have been thinking a lot about everyone elses feelings. When your friends are around and they are sad, I just want to take that pain away from them. I don't even think about my own pain because I am concerned with how they are doing. I am sure that is you transferring that responsibility onto me and I am so glad. You would be so proud to see how much your friends and I have bonded. We are really getting through this together, and even though no one could or ever will replace me, they are like my sisters now.

Today, everyone celebrated you. It was just the way you would want it. It wasn't too sad, or cheesy. Everyone wore purple or bright colors instead of black; you said black was too sad and depressing. You never wanted anyone to be depressed. Everyone talked about what a special person you are and how you impacted so many lives. You should be so proud of yourself. I'm sure you are a big deal up in heaven because prayers have been flooding for you the past year and a half. You are always on my mind, Anna, but today, sitting in Prince of Peace during mass brought so many memories back. Remember how we used to be so bored in church we'd play that chopsticks game you made up? Or when we would laugh at Mommy for crying at the sad songs? Remember when we would bring the church booklets home and "play" church? Sometimes we'd even baptize our baby dolls! Those are special memories that I will never forget, Anna.

Today, you would be so proud of some of your best friends. Katherine, Maggie, Lexi, Tara and Allie all got up and spoke about you and how much you meant to them. I know you gave them the strength to do that, because that is not easy. You would be so touched by all the nice things they said about you. There is no doubt that you changed their lives forever.

Today, your favorite band Manchester Orchestra was here to help us celebrate your life. I have no doubt that you played a huge role in making this happen. When I talked to the Tour Manager tonight, he pointed out how the timing of everything worked out perfectly; they happened to be in town the night of your high school graduation so you could go up on stage and get serenaded by Andy, and how they happened to have just ended their tour so they could be here tonight. Those kind of things don't just happen, Anna. They came to the service at church and got to hear how many lives you touched and hear how touched you were by meeting them. Clearly, the feeling was mutual; they adore you, Anna. They talk so highly of you and how it was such a great honor to meet you. They even came to Aunt Cathy and Uncle Dan's to put on a private show for your friends and family. It was pretty amazing, but you already know how awesome they are!

I can't believe it's been almost a week since you've been gone. I know tomorrow is gonna be another tough day, but I have no doubt you will be there passing on your strength that you are so infamous for to me. I don't know why you chose me to give your strength to; maybe it's because you knew I would need it the most because you're my only sister. Maybe it's so I could carry out your legacy and help others be strong. You taught us all how to be strong, Anna, and I am sure glad you did. It is so hard to be without you, and I'd do anything to get you back but I know you're in a better place now. I can't wait to meet again someday. Until then, we'll all float on!

Love you more than you know.

"Iss"

P.s. I know you already got your own private serenade of this song, but Andy sang it to us tonight and it was pretty spectacular, so I thought you should see.

*This post was originally scheduled for last night, so change today to yesterday, etc.

The Post I Never Wanted to Write

2011-06-10T19:00:00.000-05:00

June 8 started off like any other day; I got up, got dressed and ready for work. Before I left, I had a conversation with my mom that weighed heavily on my heart. She told me that gone were the days when we could have an actual conversation with Anna; she had been sedated by the doctor yesterday and even though she could probably hear us, she wouldn't be able to respond. She said she thought that every morning before I go to work and every night I should just lay with her so she could feel my presence. So we could spend time together, even if she wasn't awake. That morning, I had a meeting to get to and I was running late so I didn't even say goodbye to her.

Later that day, I got a call from my dad at work saying that I should come home as soon as I can, Anna wasn't doing well. She was having trouble breathing. I didn't understand from the phone call how serious things were until my Uncle Dan came down to the front desk, got the receptionist who I was covering for to come back and told me we needed to get to my house. Only then, did I begin to understand that it was serious to say the least.

When I got home, it was clear things weren't good before I even stepped foot in the room where Anna was. People were in the living room and everyone was crying. I set my stuff down as my other uncle gave me the lay of the land; she wasn't breathing well, and she may not have much longer so I should go back there and be with her. So I went back there. My mom was laying on the bed next to Anna, my dad sitting next to her. They were both crying. My mom's friend was reading the latest Caring Bridge update to Anna. I sat down on the bed next to her feet and watched as she struggled to breathe. She didn't look scared, she didn't look in pain, but it was clear she wasn't doing well.

I wanted to run away. In fact, I did for a minute, to the game room to send a text to my friend (before you judge, please know this is how I cope. I needed my closest friends to know what was going on, to support me). I felt like I was going to throw up. I hugged one of my Aunts who was there and told the people who came in to check on me "I just needed a minute". I said I needed a minute, but what I meant was I needed this to stop. I needed someone to say "April Fools. Anna's fine after all. Don't worry, this was just a scare". Instead, I was told to "be strong", that Anna needed me. My dad came out and told me it was ok to be scared and sad, but that Anna would want me to be there with her. So I went back.

I laid down on the bed next to her and held her limp hand. "I love you, Anna," I whispered to her. "I love you so much." There were so many other words. Just a little bit ago, I had been texting one of her best friends discussing how no matter what happens to Anna we would always be sisters, Anna's friends and I. I wanted to tell her that; tell her that her best friends and I would take care of each other. How they would be like sisters to me, so she didn't have to worry about me. How I would miss her every second of every day of the rest of my life, but I would be okay. My dad had told me that Anna was worried about leaving us, she wanted to make sure my parents and I would be okay, so I wanted to tell her that I would be, even if I wasn't sure if that were true. But as I laid there and watched her struggling to take her last breaths, all I could do was cry. I couldn't speak except to say "I love you".

It wasn't much longer after I got there when she stopped breathing. My mom let out a cry that someone described as a sound that only a mother who has lost their child makes. "I'm not ready to let her go," she cried. I squeezed her hand, wishing I could take away all this immense pain we were all feeling. "She's with God now," my Dad told us. We said a prayer together, hugged each other and cried a lot.

When it happened, my first feeling was relief. Relief that this horribly scary thing was over. Relief that she was no longer in pain. Relief that she didn't suffer. Relief that I was there and got to say the things I wanted to say.

These last couple of days have been a whirlwind of emotion filled with tough decisions about funeral arrangements and casket options. Something parents should never have to think about for their child. Anna's friends have been over here all the time, and personally I am so grateful. They are the piece of Anna I have left and they mean the world to me. Together, we share our memories of her and help her live on through the bonds we have created which have only grown stronger these last 2 days. When something happens, we say "What would Anna say to this?", someone nails it and we all smile, remembering her.

I can't believe she's only been gone for 2 days. It feels like a lifetime. And I know it will last that long. As a sister, I can't help but think of all the events in my life I will have to partake in without my sister. She won't be there to see me graduate next year. She won't be able to decorate my first apartment like we planned. She won't be the Maid of Honor in my wedding. She won't get to meet my children. And of course, she won't get to have any of these moments either, which breaks my heart even more. She missed out on so much of life, but yet she truly made the most of her short 18 years on this earth.

I wish so badly heaven had an elevator or Skype. I just want to see her face again. I miss her face so much it hurts. I miss that beautiful smile of hers. I miss her sarcastic, witty sense of humor. I miss her laugh. I even miss the way she rolled her eyes at me or the way she would get frustrated with me. It is hard to imagine ever feeling okay again when she won't ever be back, but I know one day I'll be able to come to peace with it.

There is so much more to say, to feel and to process. But that will take time. The rest of my life perhaps. I may never be the same, but I will do my best to live with my new normal. One of Anna's favorite songs was "Float On" by Modest Mouse, and there is a picture going around Facebook with some lyrics to this song in remembrance of Anna. It is my phone background, and every time I get sad I read those words; "Alright, don't worry, even if things get a bit too heavy, we'll all float on." I know that Anna would want me to keep floating on and to not be sad. So, that's what I am trying to do. I may not always be able to, and I know being sad is a part of the process so I will allow myself to feel that too.

Anna was truly the best sister I could ask for, and she was my best friend. I will miss her for the rest of my life, but I know that is exactly how long her love will last.

In loving memory of Anna Lee Basso 5/10/93-6/8/11

Tough Questions

2011-06-06T01:32:00.000-05:00

Ever since Anna got sick I've had my fair share of tough questions to answer. It seems like people were always asking something I didn't know how to answer. "Is she going to be ok?" Well, I hope so but only God knows that. "What caused this?" According to my google search it's a chromosome thing. I don't really care to know about that, though. I'm focusing on how we're going to beat it. "Have they tried X,Y,Z kind of treatment?" I'm not her doctor, I'm her sister so I don't really know but my family and I are confident in her doctors. And the one that's always the toughest... "How is she doing?"

The answer, of course, has been different depending on the different stages of this process. When she was getting treated it was like Well she's going through chemo so she's feeling pretty shitty. When she was in the hospital same thing, she's obviously not doing so great if she's in the hospital. And now that things are serious and the doctors have said there is nothing else they can do? I am feeling more confused than ever about how to answer this question. I know that a lot of people genuinely care, but it's hard to pick out the people who really care and really want to know how she's doing from the polite people who in casual conversation say "oh, how's your sister doing?" and aren't expecting a serious, depressing answer.

I remember vividly one time not too long after Anna first got sick, I ran into someone who asked about Anna, told me she was praying, etc. It was really nice but then she asked the question: "How's she doing?" In order to not burst into tears every time someone brought it up, I would usually just answer with a generic "She's good" or "She's hanging in there", which is what I told this lady. I remember she looked at me super seriously and said "Is she? Is she really?" WTF? What do you want me to tell you? Well let's see, she had chemo last week and has been feeling pretty shitty ever since and oh yeah she threw up once or twice, she's also been battling a lot of pain and sleeping a lot. Basically, yeah, she feels awful. No one wants to hear that! Whether it's the truth or not, it's too much information for one person to take in when they are just being nice.

This current situation is very much the same. My family and I are faced with the realities of Anna's declining health on a daily basis. It is what our lives revolve around now. But that is our private battle that we are doing are best to deal with and sharing with family and close friends. It gets complicated when people I'm not super close too ask me how Anna is. The last most of these people heard is that the doctor's weren't sure if there was more they could do. That was at the beginning of May, when I was still in school. Things are worse now. A lot worse. But do I feel like sharing that with every person who tries to be nice? Not really.

I feel like this for many reasons. First of all, it's incredibly difficult to talk about. I don't want to talk about it or think about it but unfortunately it's something I have to try to deal with. Also, I just don't want to launch into a speech about how bad things are when people were just being polite. Not only that, but it is not really my business to tell. Sure, it affects me in a major way but if this were happening to me, I'm not really sure I would want all of Anna's acquaintances to know how badly I was doing.

I feel like it's a catch 20/20- Anna has influenced a lot of peoples lives and they want to know how she is doing. At the same time, what do I share and not share? Do I tell people that she has been hooked up to an oxygen machine because she feels short of breath lately? Tell them that she's spent the last few days sleeping all the time and when she's not sleeping she's in ungodly amounts of pain? Tell them that because she's on a lot of medicine she can't use her hands anymore and therefore can't even send a text message? Where do you draw the line?

What is happening? Sucks. There's no nice, pretty, polite way to say it. It effing sucks. But I'm dealing with it in my own way and I'm not losing hope. I am praying and doing my best to stay positive. And I'm just not sure that I'm ready to open up to the world about what's happening. Maybe someday, but ultimately I know it is my decision who to tell what and who not to say anything to. I just don't want to answer the question because the answer is so hard to face...

How Cancer Has Touched My Life

2011-06-01T22:10:00.001-05:00

November 19, 2009 was the day my life changed forever. This was the day that the word "cancer" became synonymous with the word "sister." As in, my then 16 year old sister Anna may have cancer.

I remember when it all started vividly; it was the night before all the craziness began. I was on my way to work and on the phone with my mom. One of the things she told me that stuck with me was that Anna had a doctor's appointment tomorrow to find out why she was having hip pain, and that she and my dad were going. This is unusual, so I was surprised and commented (ironically) "this is serious." I really didn't think it was; that's why I said that. Because my sister was an aches and pains kind of girl; something always hurt. So she was having hip pain? Tomorrow she'll get over it, I thought. But I've never forgotten my mom's answer "well, we're hoping it's not." What? I was confused; how could some little hip pain be something serious? It never, not even once occurred me to me that it could be so serious, so life threatening.

The next day is a blur; I was waiting to hear from my mom after the doctors appointment. I remember bits and pieces; I remember that she had a doctor's appointment and the next thing I knew she was in the hospital getting a biopsy. It was hard being so far away, I felt out of the loop and I wanted to be there. I remember my parents were trying not to worry me, so they told me it wasn't serious.

Later that day, I was sitting in my best friend's room checking my facebook when I saw that my aunt had posted on my sister's wall. "I love you," she wrote, "whatever this is you can do it. We'll get through it." "What is she talking about?" I thought. I went to my sister's profile and tons of people had written on her wall. "You can do this," they said. "You are so strong, I know you can fight." Fight? Fight what? At this point, I had no idea that cancer was even a possibility. Tears welled up in my eyes as I read my best friend what people were saying. I called my mom immediately. "Why is everyone telling Anna she can fight and that she'll get through this? What are they talking about?", I asked her through tears. That's when I knew. I knew that this was bad. That it was serious.

It took several days after the biopsy to get an official diagnosis. I went home shortly after that for Thanksgiving break and I remember telling my sister "You probably don't even have Cancer. It's just a scare, you're fine." We both knew I wasn't right, no matter how much we wanted it to be true.

I couldn't sleep for days after the diagnosis. It was cancer. Ewing's Sarcoma, to be exact. And even worse... Stage IV. What was going to happen now? Would she die? The thought of that terrified me and broke my heart into a million pieces.

Two and a half years later, countless chemo and radiation treatments my sister has been through it all. There is no treatment left for her. The cancer is slowly taking over her body but yet her spirit and amazing personality are persevering.

Cancer is an awful thing and it has touched and taken too many lives. Abolish Cancer is an organization that is hoping to change that. They are seeking out the cure for cancer and working to abolish cancer from their lives. Today, they have asked everyone who has been touched by cancer in some way or another to share their story. Together, we will work to abolish cancer!

If you are new here from Abolish Cancer, please sign up to pray for Anna here and read her caring bridge. Anna's battle with cancer is chronicled on my blog here from the beginning.

My amazingly strong sister and I on her high school graduation day.

My Sister, My Friend

2011-05-16T15:56:00.000-05:00

Tuesday was a special day in our house; it was my sisters 18th birthday! I know this post is ~~a little~~ long overdue, but there are reasons for that! First of all, she spent her actual birthday in the hospital until about 9:30 that night and she hasn't been feeling well for awhile.

Thursday, she woke up feeling better than she has in a long time. She had a lot of energy and said she was in basically no pain (a huge deal as she has pretty much permanently been in some kind of pain lately). Since she was feeling so great, she declared that today was "meant to be her birthday!" So, we finally opened all her presents and we even had her birthday dinner at Kobe Steakhouse! It was so great to see her feeling so much like herself and pain free.

So the celebration just happened and a birthday post for my sister is a big deal; I couldn't just write down some words and call it a day, I wanted it to be special! Special= a lot of time going into it.

My mom likes to tell the story of how when my sister was born, every time she would cry or make noise, I would say "Let's play a game!" or something to keep the attention on me. I would say this is an accurate portrayal of our relationship; I have always been jealous of my sister. Jealous that she was prettier, skinnier, and the "favorite" of our parents. My ~~irrational~~ jealousy, however, did not stop me from becoming super close to my sister.

For as long as I can remember, my sister and I loved hanging out. When we were younger, we played everything under the sun; we played pretend; teachers, grown ups, teenagers. You name it, we probably did it! Whether we were inside or in the pool or running around outside, we were always together.

We are 3 1/2 years apart, so obviously there were times when the age difference was tough. I will never forget when I was about 13 and she was 10 (give or take a couple years, I'm not sure). Before that, we spent most of our time together. Once I got older, I started making more friends and going out with them more. My sister didn't understand why I was going out without her and not hanging out with her. I remember feeling so guilty and my heart was just completely broken that I made my sister so sad. Obviously, she got over it and went through plenty of times when she didn't want me around, so it all equaled out!

Throughout the years, although we were close that didn't stop us from fighting. We definitely had our fair share of fights. Over what to watch on TV, who was right and wrong, borrowing each others stuff; you name it, we probably argued over it at least once. There was even the infamous TV remote fight that we still laugh about today; we were arguing over what to watch on TV or something, so she threw the remote at me and hit me in the head! There were even times we said "I hate you", but we both knew we didn't mean it. The one blessing that comes from her being sick is that we fight so much less now. It made me realize that the little things aren't a big deal, and I am much more appreciative of our time together now.

Although we were excited to celebrate her birthday, there was definitely some sadness surrounding the day. Especially because she was in the hospital, a sad reminder of what she is going through and how unknown the future is. The truth is, we don't know if she'll celebrate her 19th birthday. You can say that for anyone, I know, because tomorrow is not a guarantee but it is especially not a guarantee when you have cancer and your treatment has ended. But, instead of focusing on that, I am focusing on the good. That she was surrounded by people who love her when she got home on her birthday, and again Thursday for her birthday dinner. That she felt well enough to celebrate her birthday at all.

Because there just aren't words to accurately describe how I feel about my sister, I am ~~stealing~~ borrowing some from the card I gave her. (Thanks Hallmark!)

There's no friend like a sister

to share life's ups and downs,

To laugh with you and cry with you

And make smiles out of frowns.

There's no friend like a sister,

and no sister quite like you-

The kind of friend I'm glad to have

To love my whole life through!

"I was thinking just today, About how we used to play Barbie dolls and make-up, Tea parties dress up. I remember how we'd fight, Then make up and laugh all night. Wish we were kids again. My sister, my friend"- Reba McEntire, My Sister

Happy 18th Birthday, Anna! I love you!!

It Was the Best of Times, It Was the Worst of Times...

2011-05-08T01:37:00.001-05:00

So I've been a little MIA this week thanks to something I like to call ~~hell week~~ finals week. Needless to say, I've been a little busy wrapping up the semester. But now? I am DONE! Done with my junior year of college and moving on up to the big role of being a SENIOR! (I think I just had a small heart attack just typing that sentence) So, although I am definitely not bummed that school is out for the summer, I am completely bummed (to say the least) to be leaving my friends and my sorority sisters. It definitely makes this a very bittersweet time.

I say this every year, but seriously time flies! I can't believe that I only have a year left of college. I will never forget pulling up in front of my dorm the first time I got to campus, and thinking I had made a huge mistake. I looked around at all the unfamiliar faces and thought surely this whole college thing wasn't for me. If it were up to me, I would've turned that car around and never looked back! Luckily, some cute boys came up and offered to help me with my stuff and I decided I might like it here after all! And guess what?! I did!

I never thought I would end up going to school in Missouri, and sometimes I wish I didn't. I can't just drive home whenever I feel like it. Instead of piling all my stuff into my car and driving a couple hours, I am struggling to fit everything into two suitcases that can fly home with me. To get home is a long day of traveling from one place to another.

But it is all worth it because my school is my home now. It's my home away from home, it's a place I look forward to going to and a place I hate to leave. It's where my best friends and my sisters are, and those people mean the world to me!

Junior year, like every other year, has been good and bad. I made some great memories, did some great things but all the while dealing with the sad news that my sister was sick once again. I am truly blessed, however, to be where I was while dealing with the sad news. The best therapy I could possibly ask for is just being with my sisters and my friends. They make me smile and laugh so hard my stomach hurts even when I feel like crying! I'm going to miss them so much this summer!!

The end of the year is always hard; you're packing up your stuff to move home for 3 whole months without seeing most of your friends that whole time. It is a sad time. This year, though, is especially sad for a couple reasons. First of all my best friend graduated today. I can't imagine life at school without her, and saying goodbye was so hard! Second of all, as one of my sorority sisters in my pledge class pointed out, this is the last time that we will leave for summer knowing that we will return in the fall. Next summer, when I move out of Alpha Chi Omega, that's it. It will really be over. It is definitely hard to imagine my college days coming to a close.

As I think about the summer, despite the fact that I am so sad to leave my friends, I know home is where I need to be this summer. It's going to be a rough one for my sister and my family, but I feel blessed that I get to be here. To have this time with them. Not everyone gets the luxury of going home for the summer, so I am remembering to count my blessings for the time I get to spend with my family.

So, right now it is truly the best of times and the worst of times. It is so hard to say goodbye to everyone and think about what I'm going to do without seeing them everyday. But, another semester is behind me and I can finally relax and spend much needed time with my family. As a friend texted me today when I was sad about leaving school:

"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened!" :)

All the great memories that were formed this year! :)

Freshman year
Sophomore Year

Bin Laden is Dead... and Facebook reacts.

2011-05-02T08:00:00.001-05:00

I'll be honest... I found out that Osama Bin Laden was dead on Facebook. It seems as though the first thing everyone did upon the news breaking was rush to their computers and update their Facebook Status. Facebook was literally overflowing with status updates about the news.

Back in the day when Obama was elected, I compiled the different reactions on facebook into a blog post. When I saw all the statues about Bin Laden's death, I knew I had to do the same. Most were celebrating, some were scary and some were hilarious! Check it out...

The Celebrations:

America!! F Yea!!
Godbless America and the men and women that caught Osama. 'Merica
Special thanks to all our soldiers for their courage and bravery. God bless America! :)
...good to see bad things happen to bad people.
Well Done Presidents Bush and Obama, The CIA, US special forces, The Navy seals that killed Osama (I would like to shake your hands), and all our soldiers making us proud over seas. Burn in hell a$$ hole. USA!!!!!
Would love to been that small group of americans that took that bitch out!
WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS...at least for now...USA!! USA!! USA!!

A lot of them were thought provoking and/or quotes:

It's a little disturbing how many people are celebrating a death with such hateful joy. I'm all for justice, but I'd like to think we're...you know...actually better than/different than the terrorists. That being said: adios, sucka
Do I take any pleasure in the death of the wicked? declares the Sovereign LORD. Rather, am I not pleased when they turn from their ways and live? - Ezekiel 18:23
"We will not tire, we will not falter, and we will not fail."- George W. Bush, Speech after 9/11 attacks
"Let every nation know, whether it wishes us well or ill, that we shall pay any price, bear any burden, meet any hardship, support any friend, oppose any foe to assure the survival and the success of liberty." President John F. Kennedy
"Terrorist attacks can shake the foundations of our biggest buildings, but they cannot touch the foundation of America. These acts shatter steel, but they cannot dent the steel of American resolve." -George W. Bush

The Scary:

evil never dies one leader falls another rises...think about that.
While OBL might very well be dead, think of what this might mean for our men and women in uniform and for ourselves, when the inevitable backlash occurs. Please keep this in mind while you're popping champagne corks and toasting one another.
hey people, just cause he is dead doesnt mean the war is over..... he was ONE person... there are thousands more just like him.

The Funny:

Autopsy results show Toby Keith's boot inserted into bin laden's rectum
Osama Ghost: Well this sucks...I accidentally enabled location on my tweets.
I hope Zuck made Facebook strong enough to withstand the day our United States military heroes took out that jack wagon Osama!
"I have never wished a man dead, but I have read some obituaries with great pleasure." (Mark Twain)
We should bury Obama and Osama next to each other
BREAKING NEWS: Chuck Norris returns from trip to Afghanistan.
wrap that in your turban and wear it
"We'll put a boot in your ass, it's the American way."
FOX NEWS EMERGENCY UPDATE: New information suggesting that Osama Bin Laden was actually killed 49 years ago and has now been reincarnated into a multi-racial top political official is beginning to surface.
I was going to write a status about Bin Laden being dead...but I think Facebook got the message
Well, looks like Obama just got himself another 4 years.
Bin laden... best player ever in hide and seek... dead.

There was even a group some of my friends were joining called "cancel finals in celebration of Bin Laden's death"! As college student I have to appreciate that!

I always say when something big like this happens, if you want to know how people really feel log on to facebook and read their statuses! People don't hold back on Facebook, that's for sure! I was one of the few who didn't update my status tonight, but if I did I would go with the simple and generic "God Bless America." Today, I am proud to be an American!

When Vlogging Goes Wrong

2011-04-29T01:55:00.000-05:00

So today, inspired by Mama Kat's Writer's Workshop, I decided I would make my very first vlog! I had some free time this afternoon and my roommate wasn't home, so I could do it in the comfort of my own room, so I got to work.

I knew I had to look good for my vlogging debut, so I straightened my hair, put make up on and even made sure to put a blue shirt on because it brings out my eyes! Then, I got my laptop set up and rearranged myself to look the best. I tried all kinds of positions, if you will; sitting up, laying down, putting my computer up a little. Finally I came up with an awkwardly low head tilt thingy* that didn't give me a double chin but I wasn't laying down because that would be weird. So, I was ready.

Well, I guess the vlogging gods were not happy with me, because it was not going well. My first take, I decided to quote the quote that is in my header. Well, I got flustered and totally forgot it. So I had to stop and start again. I figured I could just mesh the two together somehow and go with it. Great plan, right? Yeah, except I guess when I titled my computer lower to reduce the whole double chin thing, it covered up my microphone or something because it recorded without sound. So much for that. This is what I got from that.

Not so interesting when you can't hear me right? Fail #1.

So, not one to give up easily (actually, that's not true but whatever), I tried again. I talked for about 30 seconds, then decided I didn't like it, so I tried again. 3 more times. All 3 times there was no sound. So then, I went on a minor rant about how it wasn't working. Then I was all no one wants to hear you complain. So I scratched that.

Then I did a couple more. And of course, once again it didn't have sound. At this point, I started getting frustrated. I mean, this one was perfect! No double chin? Check. Look pretty? Check. Talked well, told a good story, didn't ramble, etc? Check. Sound? NO CHECK! ugh! Here's a screenshot just in case you didn't believe me that I looked good in this one!

Looking good right?!! Haha I swear I am not usually this obsessed with how I look, but it's my first vlog! I wanted to look cute!

Finally, I thought I had the perfect one! I didn't ramble too much, I looked good. Except, when I went to move it into iPhoto, I realized it only recorded 56 seconds of it. It was supposed to be more like 5 minutes. What!!? Here's the beginning of my vlog, all that got recorded.

It was a pretty good start but obviously incomplete. At this point I was just too frustrated to keep going and my roommate came home so obviously I couldn't keep talking to my computer! Plus, I was late for work so I had to go! I tried again when I got home from work, but by that point I looked tired and I was just not feeling it anymore.

If there is anything I've learned lately with all that is going on with my sister, it is when life gives you lemons, make lemonade. So even though the vlogging thing didn't really work out, I could still make a humorous blog post with my outtakes!

For one final laugh, I love this video. I was testing out my voice before I started and my face at the end of this is priceless! I don't know what I was thinking, I guess that I don't like my voice! I just thought I would share. You have to laugh at yourself once in awhile right?!

So maybe I'll try the vlogging thing again sometime. But for now, this is just one vlog gone very, very wrong!

*When holding your head like this for an hour and a half, you get serious neck pain. Just thought I would share that beauty really is pain!

Counting My Blessings

2011-04-24T00:40:00.000-05:00

Sometimes you have to look at life and think about how you blessed you are. Maybe it's the holiday, maybe it's personal stuff going on, or maybe, in my case, it's certain events that take place that make you think "Wow, I am blessed". Either way, I figured I would share how I've been blessed lately.

Friday was a long day of traveling to get home for Easter weekend. A little background info- I go to school an hour and a half away from the St. Louis airport. Southwest flies directly from St. Louis to Dallas, so it is the best airport for me to fly out of even if it's not close. Because A) I don't have a car and B) even if I did, it would cost a fortune to park it at the airport, I take a shuttle service that drives back and forth to and from the airport. The bus from the shuttle service picks me up at a McDonald's about 10-15 minutes outside of my college town, so I get a friend to drop me off there.

Thursday I was asking around for a ride to the McDonald's and everyone was either going home already or had class at that time (yes, we had class on Good Friday. We also have class the Monday after Easter. Don't get me started!). Finally, I found a generous friend who was willing to take me! Well, when Friday rolled around things didn't go so smoothly. I needed to be at the bus by 2:20. I texted my friend at 2 to let her know I was ready and didn't hear anything back. I started to get nervous, but figured we still had time; it was no big deal yet. Well when 2:10 rolled around and I still hadn't heard from her, I started to panic. I called her and there was no answer. Time was running out quickly. Finally, I called another friend who said she was willing to take me. I am so thankful for this friend.

On the way, I called the main office to see if they could let the bus driver know I was gonna be like 5 minutes late. He said they could stall for 5 minutes, but not longer than that. I got there at 2:25. I just barely made the bus.

After a long ride, I made it to the airport, got my bag checked and everything. As I waited for my flight, I started to notice it was getting pretty dark outside. I noticed a bunch of dark clouds rolling in and I hoped it wouldn't affect my flight. Little did I know what was coming that way...

I made it home safely and was enjoying a nice, quiet evening with my family and our next door neighbors/great family friends. Then, I got a text delivering such scary news: The airport I had just been at a few hours ago in St. Louis was directly hit by a tornado.

The airport on Saturday with debris from the storm. Image from St. Louis Today.

Immediately, I thought over my day. I thought about how close I was to missing that bus. If my friend hadn't sped, if I hadn't found the second friend to take me, if I had been just another minute or two later I would've missed the bus. Which meant I would have to be on the later bus, which meant I may or may not make my flight. Which means I could have easily been at the airport when the tornado hit.

All I could think was how blessed I was. Seriously, I believe a higher power was looking out for me because I got so unbelievably lucky. This weekend has been a seriously emotional one for my family and I. We got some bad news about my sister, and we are trying to deal with what comes next. (More on that later.) I don't talk about religion a whole lot, and I am not usually one to just throw out God's name when something goes my way, but I truly, truly believe that He knew I needed to be here this weekend. He orchestrated everything so that I could be here with my family in our time of need.

And another blessing; Southwest's terminal was very minimally damaged, and they have already started having planes fly in and out again. Which means I ~~won't~~ shouldn't have any trouble getting back Monday morning. One less thing to worry about when my heart is already heavy with other things.

So, for now, even though my mind and my heart are heavy with the opposite of blessings, I am choosing to be thankful for the blessings that have occurred. I am choosing to focus on the good, and doing my best to deal with the not-so-good.

Make A Wish Monday: 5th Edition

2011-04-18T16:42:00.000-05:00

Make A Wish Monday has reached it's fifth week! I am excited that I have been able to share all these great stories with you all so far, and I am looking forward to telling a new one every week! I love this weeks story because it is so fun! I think she made a great choice in what to wish for!

Tabitha is the feature of this weeks wish story! She is a 12 year old girl from Florida, and her wish was to go to a place she had only seen in movies; New York City!

The Make-A-Wish Foundation not only granted her wish to go to New York, but also gave her the movie star treatment; starting by picking her, her mom and her 13 year old sister up in a stretch limo to go to the airport.

Tabitha and her sister Anna in front of their limo!

When they got to the airport, her royal treatment continued; the pilot invited Tabitha into the cockpit and showed her all the planes instruments and how they worked.

Tabitha and her new pilot friend!

When they got to New York City, Tabitha and her family stayed in a luxurious hotel that was within blocks of Central Park, Roosevelt Island, Times Square and several great shopping destinations. During her five days in New York City, Tabitha spent her time site-seeing at the Statue of Liberty and the Museum of Natural History. She also saw three Broadway shows, and finally completed her stay in NYC with a scene straight from the movies; a carriage ride through Central Park!

Tabitha and her sister in front of the Museum of Natural History

Tabitha's mom expressed her thanks to the Make-A-Wish Foundation, saying "I wanted to thank you so much for Tabitha’s wonderful wish. The limos were enormous and the drivers were all so kind. The seats to the shows were all excellent. The weather was even perfect! We had such a great time and will always remember our wish trip. Thank you, thank you, thank you!"

I love this wish because isn't it every 13 year old girls dream to get to go to New York and get treated like a celebrity?! The Make-A-Wish Foundation makes dreams like this come true, which is why they are so amazing!

Don't forget World Wish Day is April 29! That is 1 week from this Friday!! That would be a great opportunity to give back to the Make-A-Wish Foundation with a monetary donation, a donation of something like airline miles or just by spreading the word about Make-A-Wish on your blog! :)

*All images and content came from the Make-A-Wish Foundation's website, wish.org*

Grown Up... Who Me?

2011-04-14T17:15:00.000-05:00

There are approximately 20 days (give or take) left in my junior year of college. That means in approximately 20 days, I will be a senior in college. Where did the time go?!?! I feel like it was just yesterday I was blogging about my first day here! Anyway, due to this and a few other things that have come up lately, I have become aware of my *ahem* impending status... as a grown up.

Last week in our weekly sorority chapter meeting, our advisor asked all of the juniors to stand up. We did so, thinking we did something awesome and we were going to be bragged about or something. "Look around," she told everyone. We did. "In 20 days, you all will be the seniors of this chapter," she announced as we looked at each other in pretty much disbelief. We were all thinking how did we become the seniors? Weren't we just little freshman getting guided by the seniors? It was a wake up call, to say the least.

We all technically knew we were becoming the seniors soon; we had watched 2 classes of our friends graduate and leave, and we are quickly approaching graduation time where more of our friends will move on with their lives. It's only logical that we are next. But we didn't want to believe it. Didn't want to think that we were so close to having to be grown ups.

Later in the week, I got an odd phone call. I didn't recognize the number, but I picked up anyway. Turns out it was the dentists office calling to see if I wanted to schedule my next cleaning because I was overdue for one. "That's weird," I told my mom later, recounting the conversation, "Why did they call me and not you?" "Maybe," she told me, "because you're 21 and you're a big girl now." Shoot. I guess I am.

All the sudden, it's all becoming clear to me. I am a grown up. Or at least almost a grown up. A year from now, I will be approaching graduation. From college. And moving home or wherever life takes me. Looking for a job. Being a real life grown up. So technically I have a year before I'm actually a grown up but lately it sure does feel like it's approaching fast. I am becoming more and more of a grown up everyday, whether I'm ready or not!

I am linking up at Mama Kat's Writers Workshop. I used the prompt "The moment I realized I was a grown up."

PYHO: Seasonal Depression

2011-04-13T15:04:00.000-05:00

The time has come. I was doubtful it would ever arrive after months and months of snow and bitterly cold temperatures, but spring seems to be officially here. I realize that for most people this is a great thing, a happy thing. But for me? It causes what I have self diagnosed as seasonal depression.

I know it seems crazy. Beautiful weather, beautiful plants, the ability to actually be outdoors and not freeze.. how does that cause depression?! Let me try to explain...

I have never been a skinny person; it's just not how I'm built. But lately I have gained a lot of weight. I have let myself get so far out of control I don't know how to get back. And most of all, I have been in denial. Winter was easy. Throw on some jeans and a sweatshirt and you don't really have to face what your body looks like under all those layers, so you can tell yourself that you look great. That you haven't gained that much weight. That no one can tell how fat you are.

And then comes Spring... which means short shorts, tank tops, mini skirts and teeny tiny dresses. This brings out all my insecurities and multiplies them by like 1000. Eventually, it is so hot outside that you really can't wear jeans anymore and be fine. Which means it is time for the inevitable but awful; it is time to bust out the shorts. Just the word makes me cringe; I have a hate/hate relationship with shorts. First of all, why do they have to be so short? I don't want shorts that barely pass my crotch because underneath that are my thunder thighs that I am not trying to show off to the world. Second, why is there nothing between the really short shorts and the bermuda shorts? And finally, why is it so hard to find shorts past size 8? Because fat people shouldn't wear shorts? Well then what do you suggest we wear during the spring/summer?!!

And that's just the shorts. Last weekend, when it was 90 outside and there was a frat party that night, I was faced with a whole new dilemma. What on earth do I wear to some random frat party when A) it's 90 outside even at night and B) this means all the other girls are wearing something itty bitty which is what girls are expected to wear in this weather? This seriously caused me so much stress I considered multiple times not going and I may have shed a tear or two. (Not the first time this has happened.) This requires not only digging out my warm weather clothes that are safely tucked away, but also trying things on and facing the sad reality that half of it doesn't fit anymore.

Also, warm weather clothes are not exactly forgiving like winter clothes. They don't cover up the tummy that has expanded to the point that I look 8 months pregnant. They don't hide the FUPA. They don't hide my thunder thighs that rub together when I wear a dress or a skirt. (Side note, yes, putting deodorant there helps. But do you know how self defeating it feels to rub deodorant on your thighs? It's not exactly a confidence booster.) They don't hide my flabby arms that have taken a life of their own to the point where I can't wear sleeveless tops without being so insecure I can't think about anything else except how big my arms must look. They are forcing to me to face all my imperfections and I can't handle.

So, while some people want to stay inside and never leave the house during winter, I prefer to stay inside when it's warm. I don't want to have put on that sleveless top that shows my enormous arms. I don't want to have to rub deodorant on my thighs before leaving the house. Most of all, I don't want to face my body. I want to put on my sweatpants and big sweatshirt and get under the covers and hide. Hide from myself and hide from reality. So, you enjoy your warm weather. I'll be here. Counting the days until it is winter again...

I am linking up at Things I Can't Say today for Pour Your Heart Out.

Make A Wish Monday: 4th Edition!

2011-04-11T16:17:00.000-05:00

I haven't gotten a lot of feedback on this new addition to my blog, so I was hoping you all could answer my poll for me on my facebook page about "Make A Wish Monday". Comments are almost non-existent on these posts so I'm wondering if you're bored, or just don't know what to say. Please let me know (or just leave a comment here if you're not on facebook)

This weeks Make A Wish Story is all about the first ever wish! Last week, I told you about Christopher, who inspired the Make-A-Wish Foundation with his wish to become a police officer. Today, we learn about Frank "Bopsy" who was the very first wish kid! Bopsy was a 7 year old boy with leukemia and his dream was to be a firefighter.

The wish granting team got together with the Phoneix Fire Department to help Bopsy fufill this wish. The fire department made him his very own uniform, complete with a helmet and everything. They also brought him out to the fire station so he could join their ladder engine. The crew let him honk the horn and even use the 75 pound hose to soak some cars. At the end of the day, the firefighters pinned his official fire fighter's badge on his uniform, making Bopsy the city's first honorary firefighter.

Bopsy putting his new firefighting skills to work! (The website had small, hard to see pictures. Sorry for the bad quality)

Bopsy's wish journey was for from over, however. The media picked up Bopsy's story, and suddenly there was on out pour of people who wanted to help lift this little boys spirits. A generous couple, Bob and Chris Pearce, owned and piloted hot air balloons so they took Bopsy on a hot air balloon ride to see Phoenix from the sky!

Then, it got even better! Disneyland created a special day just for Bopsy complete with private tours, meals, gifts and more. This began the relationship with Disney and the Make-A-Wish Foundation. Today, Disney is still one Make-A-Wish's biggest supporters.

Bopsy and Goofy

Bopsy had to go back to the hospital after his trip to Disney, but there was one last surprise for him. Five of his fellow firefighters had climbed up to his 3rd floor window using their truck ladder to come spend time with Bopsy. He shared laughs and fun with them before they left and he went back to sleep. That night, Bopsy passed away, but thanks to the Make-A-Wish Foundation, he died happier than ever.

Don't forget that World Wish Day is April 29. This would be a great day to support the Make-A-Wish Foundation with a donation or by spreading the word about their work.

*All images and content came from the Make-A-Wish Foundation website.*

I don't know if I even need to say this, but I volunteered to write about the Make-A-Wish Foundation. I am in no way being compensated or getting special recognition for this. I just fully support their mission and am doing my part by spreading the word.

Make A Wish Monday (on Tuesday): 3rd Edition!

2011-04-05T18:38:00.000-05:00

[Before I start, I just really want to say thank you for all your heartfelt comments on my pour your heart out post last week. I will update tomorrow, but everything ended up working out.]

So, Make A Wish Monday is coming a little late this week. It's been a busy week, but I have a really cool story to share this week and lots of new info about the Make-A-Wish Foundation so I didn't want to skip it this week! So without further ado... Meet Christopher!

If you can't tell from his picture, Christopher's wish was to be a police officer. Christopher's story is so cool because he inspired what we all know today as the Make-A-Wish Foundation!

In 1980, Christopher was 7 years old and was being treated for Leukemia. Tommy Austin was a family friend, and also an officer for US Customs. He knew of Christopher's dream of becoming of a police officer, and when his health got worse Tommy planned a day for Christopher to lift his spirits with the help of his friend Ron Cox, an Arizona Department of Public Safety Officer.

On April 29, 1980 Ron Cox and some of the other officers brought Christopher to them, gave him a tour of the city in a helicopter, flew him to headquarters where three police cruisers and motorcycle officer greeted him. He then had a meeting with the DPS staff, where he was sworn in as the first honorary DPS patrolman in state history. They even presented him with his own uniform, and gave him the motorcycle proficiency test (on a battery operated motorcycle) so he could earn wings to put on his uniform.

When he went back into the hospital May 2, he requested his room be arranged so he could always see his uniform, his motorcycle helmet and his hat. A DPS officer came to the hospital to present Christopher with his motorcycle and his smile "lit up the room".

Christopher passed away the next day, but not before his dreams were made a reality. After seeing the joy fufilling Christopher's with created, his mom and two of the DPS officers who met Chris were inspired to create an organization that brought that joy to other children. Thus, the Chris Greicius Make-A-Wish Memorial (now known as the Make-A-Wish Foundation) was born!

Next week, read about the very first "official" Make-A-Wish Kid! His story is really awesome, just like Christopher's!

I also wanted to share that the Make-A-Wish Foundation's World Wish Day is at the end of this month, April 29! For more info, make sure you check out their website.

In Need of a New Identity

2011-04-03T19:23:00.000-05:00

I started blogging, tweeting, all of that along time ago. Well, three years ago almost but a lot has changed over the years. Mainly, I have grown up. I am starting to feel like my online persona is not reflecting this change.

Due to my lack of creativity and I guess because I was young, when I signed up for twitter I named myself "patrice0x0x". Today, I cringe when someone tweets me at that name because it makes me sound 13.

Once again, thanks to lack of creativity my blog URL was also patrice0x0x and my e-mail.
Pretty soon (in like a year), I will be entering the professional world. I am seeking a job in social media marketing. If a potential employer asks for my twitter name and blog URL, "patrice0x0x" does not exactly give off a professional vibe.

So, I need your help. I need a new identity. For everything. On Twitter. On this blog (I'm thinking I still like the name of my blog just thinking I should just change the URL). I'll create a new e-mail account just for this blog. It's time, my friends. Time to grow up online.

For the person that comes up with my new identity, I may have a little something for you. Like a prize. We'll see.

Thank you in advance!

Back to Normal

2011-03-30T20:12:00.000-05:00

Pour your heart out could not fall on a better day this week. I really need to pour my heart out.

This has been a week. One of those weeks that feels like it should be over by now because I'm over it. Where do I even start?

My sister went into the hospital over the weekend because she was in so much pain she could barely walk. So they needed to give her pain meds through an IV, and figure out a new pain management plan and a new chemo plan and all that. So basically they've been in the hospital all week (which I realize is not that long since it's only Wednesday but like I said, feels like forever ago because this has been a long week) meeting with doctors and stuff.

This weekend is Mom's weekend at my sorority. It is a super fun weekend where everyone's moms come up, we do a brunch and an auction and just get to spend quality time with our moms. Last year, my mom couldn't come because Anna was in the middle of chemo and everything and the timing just wasn't right. I missed her a lot, but a super sweet mom of a friend "adopted" me for the weekend so I wouldn't be alone. Which was great, but not like having my mom here.

This year, Anna was supposed to off chemo this week and the timing was perfect for my mom to come for the weekend. I've been looking forward to this forever. I know I just saw her a couple weeks ago for Spring Break and I went home a few weeks before that, so it's not like it's been forever since I've seen her but this weekend is special, and no matter how many times I go home it's not the same as having my mom here. Here to see all my friends. To meet the ones she hasn't yet (like my little sis) and to spend alone time with just me. When I'm home, usually there's a lot going on like Anna's not feeling well or something and we just don't get to spend much time just the two of us. That's what I was looking forward to the most this weekend.

Turns out, it's not happening. Again. On Monday, when my mom said they would be in the hospital a few more days my heart dropped because I just knew this would happen. On the weekend that belonged to me. It was my turn to spend quality time with my mom. "You're still gonna come, right?" I asked her Monday even though I had a feeling it was wishful thinking. All week, I battled this sadness that was overcoming me and tried to stay positive. "It might still work out," I told myself. "I know she's gonna try her hardest to come." "It's just a day to day thing, we don't know what's going to happen."

Today, I couldn't do it anymore. I tried calling her all day and when I got a text saying they were moving rooms at the hospital, I knew they weren't leaving the hospital anytime soon. I knew my plans for the weekend were ruined. I couldn't help it; I lost it. And once I started crying, I couldn't stop. I was (and am) upset. Upset that my mom wasn't coming. Upset that my sister was in the hospital. Upset that I couldn't get a hold of my mom when I wanted. Upset that nothing was the way it should be. This isn't how life is supposed to be. There's not supposed to be hospital stays and unknowns and dammit, if my mom wants to come up for a weekend she should be able to.

I just want things to go back to normal. I want to live a normal life where we never see my sister because she's 17 and is always with her friends. (I don't mean the never see her part offensively but 17 year olds typically aren't home much) A normal life that doesn't involve hospitals. A normal life that doesn't involve cancer. And I know I'm not alone in wishing this, I'm just throwing myself a pity party because I was so excited to spend time with my mom, and I'm tired of being disappointed.

Maybe I'm being selfish by being upset. Because I'm not the one in the hospital and I'm not the one with cancer. My life is really not that bad compared to fighting cancer. I realize that. But it sucks when you're looking forward to something so much and then it doesn't happen. I don't blame my sister for being sick or taking attention away from me. I don't blame my mom for staying with her. I'm just upset at the situation, and every time someone says "I can't wait to see my mom this weekend," I want to burst into tears right then and there.

I also feel bad being upset because I don't want to make my mom upset. She has enough to deal with and I don't want her to worry about me too. I wouldn't even tell her why I was upset when she called today because I don't want to be a burden. But I am sad. Because there is nothing that can replace spending a weekend just the two of us...

On the bright side (I feel like I need to put a positive spin on this so it doesn't sound like poor, poor me. I have such a hard life), I get to go home for Easter, which will be nice. And there is a chance my godmother will be here to take my mom's place which would make me so happy. So it's not all bad, but no matter what I will miss my mom a lot this weekend.

So, for now, I am sulking. And self medicating with chocolate. And pouring my heart out. For now.

I am linking up at Things I Can't Say for Pour Your Heart Out.

Make A Wish Monday: 2nd Edition!

2011-03-28T09:00:00.002-05:00

I am so glad I got a lot of positive feedback about Make A Wish Monday. Like I said, I just have the up-most respect for the Make-A-Wish Foundation and I am so honored to have the chance to help spread the word about some of the wishes they have granted. Of course they have granted millions of wishes, so I'm only telling a small portion of their wishes through Make A Wish Mondays! Make sure you check out their website to read even more of their wishes!

One of the things I loved about the website when I was perusing for this weeks wish story was their "Where Are They Now" section. It's one thing to read about this really awesome wish that someone was granted, but it's even better to hear that they are healthy today! As I mentioned before, this is my biggest wish for my sister so it's encouraging to hear that! That's why this week I chose to feature one of the "Where Are They Now" stories.

Meet Jonathon. His wish granted way back in the day in 1993! (Fun fact in 1993, I was 3, and my sister was born in 1993!) His wish was to play golf with Chi Chi Rodriguez, and the Make-A-Wish Foundation made it happen! When asked why he chose this wish Jonathon said " I loved watching Chi Chi Rodriguez play golf. He was always so carefree and happy. He seemed like he thoroughly enjoyed life. Every time he played in a tournament, he would grab two kids from the crowd as he walked down the eighteenth fairway, one under each arm, and talk to them like they were the last two people on earth. I always thought how lucky those kids were to spend a couple minutes with Chi Chi. I couldn’t think of anything better than spending a few hours playing golf with such a fantastic person." Here he is with Chi Chi.

Jonathon had just finished his last round of chemo when he went to play golf with Chi Chi, and he vividly remembers Chi Chi looking him in the eye and telling him he could be whatever he wanted to be. "Hearing that from someone I admired so deeply really hit home," Jonathon told Make-A-Wish, "I knew he was right and from that moment since I’ve always pursued my dreams as if they would one day be a reality."

Today, Jonathon had been in remission for 15 years and has no major long term side effects from the chemo. The doctors told him he would never be able to have kids because of the side effects, but he and his wife have 2 kids! Even better, today Jonathon works for the Make-A-Wish Foundation as the advancement and outreach director for the Make-A-Wish chapter in San Antonio! Jonathon speaks so highly of the Make-A-Wish Foundation explaining "Make-A-Wish is my life! It is a passion that is near and dear to my heart. In 1993 someone adopted my wish and made one heartfelt wish come true. Now, it is my job to return the favor to each and every child in San Antonio battling a life threatening medical condition. Someone did it for me, and it changed my life forever."

I love Jonathon's story. It is truly such an inspiration to everyone fighting a life threatening disease. I would have loved to include every part of Jonathon's Q&A with Make-A-Wish, but it was long so make sure you go check it out for your self!

Make A Wish Monday: 1st Edition!!

2011-03-21T16:26:00.001-05:00

I am so excited to announce the newest addition to this blog: Make A Wish Mondays! A while back, the Make A Wish Foundation tweeted they were looking for bloggers who were interested in posting stories and content about what they've been doing. I love what Make A Wish does and so I jumped at the chance to help them spread the word about their organization. So, I developed Make A Wish Mondays! For the most part, I am just getting stories off their website that I like and sharing them here. Periodically, though, the Make A Wish crew will send me special content to share with you all!

So, without further ado, meet Blaise.

I chose to tell her story first because first of all how freakin cute is she?! Second of all I love that a little girl who gets to wish for anything just wants to see her family!

Blaise's wish was to go to Nashville to visit her family. Her cousins and grandpa live there and because she lives in Arizona, she didn't get to see them much. So when Make a Wish asked her what she wanted, all she wanted to do was visit them and they made it happen.

They flew Blaise and her family to Nashville where she got to spend time with her grandpa and cousins.
They went places like the Adventure Science Center and the Nashville Country Music Hall of Fame and Museum. Most importantly, the family got to spend time together, and just have fun.

I know from experience when someone is sick, it is hard to just have time to spend together without focusing on the medical situation. This trip gave that family the opportunity to forget about Blaise being sick and just have fun! The Make A Wish website quotes Blaise's mom saying "“My daughter and her brother have suffered a lot of trauma and sadness ... thank you for giving us a happy vacation from it all!”

To hear more of Blaise's story or to read other wishes that have been granted, go to wish.org.

I hope you all enjoyed Make A Wish Monday. It's still a work in progress, so please give me any suggestions you have! I don't know if this will be weekly or how often I will post these, but I really want to spread the word about the great work the Make A Wish Foundation is doing!

PYHO: Feeling Lucky

2011-03-17T01:10:00.000-05:00

This week, I am on Spring Break. I have been counting down to this week for like, uh ever. School is stressful and super busy so I seriously covet anything with the word break in it (at least in the context that means I get a break from school).

Spring Break is an interesting concept in college. I suppose I am expected to be on some beach somewhere with hundreds of other college students who I just met (plus of course friends who I came with) and drinking a lot of alcohol and partying the week away only to return to school exhausted and hung over.

Yeah, well... I am at a beach. Except, instead of being with other college students I'm with my parents in an area in Florida where I'm pretty sure the average age is somewhere around 5 (with little or no other college students in sight). This is partially by choice. And partially because I wasn't invited on the big spring break trip that my friends planned and went on (or anywhere else for that matter).

This took along time to accept and I can't say I have fully accepted it because it hurts. It hurts like a slap in the face, like a big old F**K YOU. That's how I feel.

Because of this said slap in the face, I was left to make my own plans. My parents so generously offered to help me with this plans, they rented a loft in Florida for us and even told me to invite a friend or two (I did but it didn't work out.) My sister was invited to go to Florida with some of her friends, so it ended up just being me and my parents staying here Monday-Friday.

I will admit I had some hesitations about answering the inevitable "what are your plans for spring break" question with "I'm going on vacation with my parents." I kind of felt like a loser, at first; like I have such a non-existent social life that I have go on spring break with my parents." My parents are great, and I would even go so far as to describe them as "cool", so it wasn't them that was bothering me. It was more that I didn't have any other options.

But, I came, I saw and I have to admit, I am having a good time. The other night as I was eating a delicious meal with my parents, I thought about what I would be doing if I had gone on the "big" spring break trip with my friends. And you know what? I honestly wouldn't have it any other way. The more I thought about it, the more I considered myself lucky. Lucky that I have such great parents that I can spend a week with them without going absolutely crazy, Lucky that my parents would go to all of this trouble to plan a vacation just for the three of us. Lucky that I get to eat delicious food and spend time with my parents who I don't see that often. Lucky that my spring break is just that; a break. A chance to just sit on the beach and read if that's what I want to do. A chance to sleep in until noon if I want to. A chance to just relax.

After all is said and done, I am definitely counting my lucky stars this week and considering myself a lucky girl.

Collage of our vacation thus far. I apologize to my mother that she is not in this.
The one picture she and I have together is BAD (of me).

I'm linking up at Shell's for Pour Your Heart today. Happy 1 year anniversary, PYHO!

Welcome!

2011-03-02T21:41:00.000-06:00

Tonight I am participating in something very exciting through the blog community I am a member of, SITS. Tonight is a Comment Cocktail Hour. Basically, it's a twitter party and we are tweeting out links to those that signed up, then everyone goes and visits that person and leaves a comment.

It is a great way to find some new blogs to read (as if I don't read enough already!) and to make some new blog friends! There are a lot of bloggers participating tonight, so we may not even get to me, but just in case I wanted everyone's first impression of me to be a little more uplifting than my last post!

So, if you're new here welcome!! I'm glad you're here! Here's what my blog is about in a nut shell:
Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman is the chronicle of a college girl wandering her way through her 20's, and blogging all the moments of life including sorority life, a sister with cancer and everything else that comes along. It will make you laugh and it will make you cry, but come along for the ride as this girl looks to find the woman in her and leave behind the girl.

I hope you all will come back and check out more of my site after the cocktail party is over ;) Off to comment on all the blogs..

Like It Was Yesterday

2011-02-18T16:54:00.000-06:00

You know how there are certain days that stick with you for the rest of your life? And no matter how long it's been it still feels like it was yesterday? Yeah, me too. For me, it is this day. The day that I found out my sister was sick. The day that changed everything.

I remember when it all started vividly; it was the night before all the craziness began. I was on my way to work and on the phone with my mom. One of the things she told me that stuck with me was that Anna had a doctor's appointment tomorrow to find out why she was having hip pain, and that she and my dad were going. This is unusual, so I was surprised and commented (ironically) "this is serious." I really didn't think it was; that's why I said that. Because my sister was an aches and pains kind of girl; something always hurt. So she was having hip pain? Tomorrow she'll get over it, I thought. But I've never forgotten my mom's answer "well, we're hoping it's not." What? I was confused; how could some little hip pain be something serious? It never, not even once occured me to me that it could be so serious, so life threatening.

The next day is a blur; I was waiting to hear from my mom after the doctors appointment. I remember bits and pieces; I remember that she had a doctor's appointment and the next thing I knew she was in the hospital getting a biopsy. It was hard being so far away, I felt out of the loop and I wanted to be there. I remember my parents were trying not to worry me, so they told me it wasn't serious.

Later that day, I was sitting in my best friend's room checking my facebook when I saw that my aunt had posted on my sister's wall. "I love you," she wrote, "whatever this is you can do it. We'll get through it." "What is she talking about?" I thought. I went to my sister's profile and tons of people had written on her wall. "You can do this," they said. "You are so strong, I know you can fight." Fight? Fight what? At this point, I had no idea that cancer was even a possibility. Tears welled up in my eyes as I read my best friend what people were saying. I called my mom immediately. "Why is everyone telling Anna she can fight and that she'll get through this? What are they talking about?", I asked her through tears. That's when I knew. I knew that this was bad. That it was serious.

It took several days after the biopsy to get an official diagnosis. I went home shortly after that for Thanksgiving break and I remember telling my sister "You probably don't even have Cancer. It's just a scare, you're fine." We both knew I wasn't right, no matter how much we wanted it to be true.

I couldn't sleep for days after the diagnosis. It was cancer. What was going to happen now? Would she die? The thought of that terrified me and broke my heart into a million pieces.

Today, I am telling you this story for many reasons. Because since going home this weekend and being reminded of how hard my sister is fighting, it's been on my mind. Because it is always on my mind. Because I'll never forget. And? Because, today, you can do something to help. 1 Million 4 Anna, the site for my sister is hosting a Twitterthon today with Abolish Cancer. For every new follower of @abolishcancer today, the ad agency that started 1 Million 4 Anna will donate $1 to Children's Hospital where Anna is being treated. Where the nurses close the door and tell Anna "I pray for you everyday." Where they all know to pray at 12:12 for Anna. Where the doctors are doing everything they can to save her life. Please spread the word. We want to give back to the hospital that has done so much for Anna, and we want to create awareness about her story.

I wish that over a year since this story began, our story was one of kicking cancer's butt. But, it is not. Not yet. But, hopefully with the prayers it will become that story.

Got A Secret, Can You Keep It....

2011-02-11T22:16:00.000-06:00

"Got a secret, can you keep it? Swear this one you'll save. Better lock it in your pocket, taking this one to the grave"

Yes I just quoted the Pretty Little Liars theme song. I know. It's catchy, what can I say?! Anyway, I do have a secret to share. However, it is not my secret I am sharing. It is some anonymous person who trusted me to post their secret on my blog.

I am participating in BlogSecret, hosted by Holly. I love this idea! When I chose to blog using my name, I never considered what that meant. I never thought that there were things that I might not want to put out there using my name. There are some things I just can't say on here because of who might read it. That's where Holly's great idea comes in. I wrote a post, shared my story, but without my name attached to it. It's posted on someone elses blog anonymously, so it's out there, but it's not associated with me. It's the best of both worlds!

So, here is the secret that I have been entrusted to share. Leave your feedback for this person if you want, as they know their secret is being posted here! And, if you want to participate next time, be sure you let Holly know!
***********************************************************************************
The most beautiful woman in the world
I am doing this entry to try and flush the beautiful woman in the world out of my head. I came across her while I was on holiday last November. The tragedy for me at least is that as much as she redefines what sexy is and has a equally bright mind she does not live in my local area, nor is she likely to in the foreseeable future. She has the nicest eyes I have ever seen which helped to cast me under her spell. While under her spell time just flew by. I so fell under her spell that I failed to notice any other women for about two weeks afterward. A part of me wants or wanted to tell her how amazing she is. But it really would be pointless because I probably won’t see her again. Oh and the fact we have a couple of things in common only adds to things. I suspect that she is going to be in my dreams for a while yet.

It Changed My Life

2011-01-21T18:45:00.000-06:00

Just two and a half years ago, I sat at the computer one day and happened to stumble upon a couple blogs after googling something. One blog lead to another, and then another, and I was quickly enthralled into the blogosphere. The more blogs I read, the more I began to think "I could do this. I could write a blog." And then, one day, I did it; I started a blog.

Little did I know how much would come from a simple desire to journal my transition from high school to college. Blogging was just a small part of what became my love for social media.

Eventually, I started reading about Twitter on some of my new found blog friends' blogs. They talked about "tweeting" with their friends and even following celebs. My curiosity was peaked, so I quickly signed up and started tweeting with the best of them, and never looked back.

When my parents started joining facebook, I realized I was kind of good at explaining social media to people. This realization lead me to write this post about how I should a be a "facebook teacher." I didn't know at the time that this kind of exists. I began to learn about social media marketing, and knew right away I wanted that to be my career. I dove into social media marketing head first to learn all I could; reading blogs, even books on the topic.

This semester at school, my new found love for social media marketing has earned me an amazing internship. I will be doing social media marketing stuff for my University, and it is such an unbelievable experience that would have never come to me if not for the path that has lead me here.

So far, social media has opened so many doors for me; the internship, I participated in 31DBBB this summer to learn more about blogging. I am an active member of countless social media sites and I use at least 2 social media sites a day.

On my social media to do list: I would love to attend Bloggy Boot Camp. Maybe even BlogHer one day. And of course, I would love to get a job in social media marketing after graduation.

Social media has changed my life professionally, personally and hopefully in many other ways yet to come! I have made a ton of friends, learned a lot and gained so much experience! I am truly grateful for the world of social media!

I am linking up at MamaKat's Writer's Workshop ~~(a day late)~~ using the prompt: "How has social media changed you?"
Also, disclaimer: I was so excited to write this post all week and then when I actually wrote it out, it kind of sucked. But I'm publishing it anyway. Sorry.

PSF: Not Exactly Roughing It...

2011-01-15T10:24:00.000-06:00

If you've been reading here lately or keeping up with me on facebook, you may have heard about the fabulous trip to Colorado my family and I took. If not, ~~pay more attention~~ don't worry I will fill you in!

About a week before Christmas, we found out that we were being an amazing gift; a trip to Colorado. A family who heard of our family and what we've been going through has a house in Beaver Creek. Every year around Christmas time, they pick a family and donate their house to them for a week. This year, they chose us. And let me tell you, this was no average trip! We were living the high life for that week, and it is a trip we will never forget I am sure!

First of all, as if staying in an amazing house and bringing 4 extra people (my sister's friends) with us wasn't enough, we were flown to Colorado on a private plane.Which was really, really amazing!

Definitely a step up from your average flight, don't ya think!? As we were flying in, we could already start to see the beautiful, snowy white mountains!

Once we landed, we drove about 30 minutes (with amazing views the whole way! Everywhere you looked, it was so pretty) to the awesome house we stayed in. Seriously, it was such a beautiful house!


The picture is kind of dark... I don't know why it didn't occur to me to take a picture during actual daylight.

As soon as we got to the house, my sister and her friends literally ran into the house and before I even got inside, they had claimed their bedrooms! The house was just as beautiful inside as out; it was 5 stories and 5 bedrooms! We all kind of ended up on our own floor; my sister and her friends were on the next to last floor, I was above them and my parents were in the huge master bedroom on the top floor.

This was my room.


Clearly, this was taken after I had been living in it a few days!

The room my sister and 2 of her friends stayed in


The room the other 2 girls stayed in. (Sorry crappy iPhone picture)

The living area upstairs on the main floor was beautiful! It had a really nice kitchen, dining room and living room where we spent a lot of time playing games and watching movies!


The kitchen is on the right, dining room on the left and the living room in the middle!

Not only was the house clearly amazing, but the trip itself was also a blast! My mom and I don't ski (hate it. Despise skiing. Tried it once, never again!), so we spent our days walking around town (before the temperature dropped later in the week to single digits, including 0), shopping, etc. We even went and drank Pear Martini's one day! They were so good!

Yum!!!

It was really nice to spend some time with her just the two of us! My dad took my sister and her friends skiing every day, and they (mostly) had a good time! They were even ~~crazy~~ brave enough to face the single digit weather.

Of course, New Years was an experience all in itself, but you read about that already.

The end of the week came way too quickly (we tried to negotiate another day, but it didn't work out) and we were sad to leave the beautiful mountains. We flew home on another amazing private plane as a last part of our high life week!

We are so grateful for this trip that was such a generous gift! It was so nice to completely escape from real life for a week and enjoy some R and R! Great memories were made, a lot of fun was had and the time was definitely well spent!

Hosted by Cecily and Lolli
(I'm accidentally posting this a day late because I forgot yesterday. Ooops!)

You Don't Know What You've Got Until It's Gone

2011-01-13T15:32:00.000-06:00

You know that saying "You don't know what you've got until it's gone"? Like, you can't appreciate all the great things in life until they are taken away from you? Well, that has been on my mind the last couple days since it is sort of how I'm feeling since being back to school. However, I'm making a minor adjustment to that famous phrase. (I apologize to whoever made this quote up, but I am making it my own!) If you ask me? You don't know what you've got until its gone... and then you get it back!!!

When I was at home for break, I didn't really think about school and whether or not I missed it. I was just living in the moment, I guess, enjoying my time with my family. When it came time to come back to school Tuesday, I was apprehensive. I was really sad to leave and I wasn't really sure how I felt about coming back.

Even though a lot of me was sad, part of me was looking forward to going back. It had been a whole month since I had seen or (in most cases) talked to my sorority sisters. And I was ready for that to change. Deep down, I knew once I got back that things would be great!

And I was right; As soon as I got back, I didn't see how I had survived without all these people for a whole month!!! Every new person I saw, it was another fantastic reunion. My little sis, my "god daughter", and another one of our sisters picked me up from the shuttle bus. Just a few minutes before, I was thinking about how sad I was about leaving home. But as soon as I saw them, I just instantly became happier! It was so much fun to see them, to catch up with each others' lives and just to spend time with them again! As I got the sorority house, there were more and more sisters to see, and to catch up with, including my best friend. That was the best reunion of all; to finally see my best friend, to sit on her couch just like always, talking the night away!

At one point last night, I was sitting in the basement surrounded by some of my sisters and best friends, and I thought to myself "This is the life." The more and more time I get to spend with my sisters these last couple days, the happier I am to be here. Whether it's staying up late talking about boys, or sitting in a hospital room because one sister has appendicitis (true story), or just watching a movie; no matter what we are doing being back together makes me realize how much I actually missed these people, whether I knew it before or not.

Even though it sucks to say goodbye to my family, even though I was apprehensive about coming back, once I got back I realized how much I love it here. How much I love my sisters and I am so grateful to have them in my life! Which lead me to my conclusion, you don't know what you've got until it's gone.... and then you get it back. I had to be away from my sisters for awhile and then reunite with them in order to remember how great it is to have sisters! When I was at home, I never realized how much I missed sitting around with my sisters, talking and laughing. But that now that I am doing it again? I can't imagine being anywhere else!!

"It's not just letters, parties and good times. It is a feeling that will never leave you as long as you live. It is a responsibility and a duty to yourself and you sisters. It is an eternal love."

Happy New Year?

2011-01-06T02:27:00.000-06:00

When I envisioned my first New Years Eve as a 21 year old, I envisioned big plans. Parties. Bars. Alcohol (because I can partake in that now!), and most importantly friends (because what's a good party without people to enjoy it with?) Well, plans changed ~~drastically~~ slightly when our family was invited to go on this amazing trip to Colorado (more on that later). Amazing as this trip was (and it was amazing, did I mention that!?), I went to Colorado sans any friends. Instead, I went with my family and four of my sister's friends (who are great, but not exactly who I envisioned spending new years with).

Anyway, as a result of being in Colorado sans friends, I figured New Years plans were out of the question. You know, other than maybe toasting at midnight with my parents and then going to bed. Except, my sister and her friends had other plans and ~~for some reason~~ they wanted me to come. Begged me to come. Obviously, I said no right away, and named off all the reasons I just couldn't possibly go. "I don't have anything to wear." "You just want me to go because I'm 21." " I don't know anyone there." Eventually, though, after all my excuses were shut down and ~~I had a couple glasses of wine at dinner~~ I decided I had nothing better to do, might as well go out with them. Plus, at least when people asked me where I rung in the new year, I could say "The Ritz" as opposed to "At home with my parents" or "in bed" (which could have easily been the truth if I had stayed in). So off we went to a party at the Ritz Carlton because obviously that is where the party is at. And, oh boy, I had no idea what I was getting myself into. (Well, really, I did but I tried to be optimistic and think it would be better than I assumed.)

Me and my "friends" for the evening!

Anyway, I put on my party hat and went in to the Ritz to see what was in store for me. As soon as we got there, my sister and her friends were running off to the bathroom and all of the sudden, for what would be the theme of the night, I had no idea where they were. The rest of the night was spent what I came to call "making rounds; I would occasionally get up from my super exciting activity of sitting in the lobby drinking ~~the night away~~ my few glasses of champagne to walk into the party to check on the girls to make sure they were A) still there B)Not doing anything ~~I wouldn't do~~ inappropriate.

The real fun came around 1 AM when I tried to round everyone up because my mom (driver for the night, lucky her) was on her way to pick us up. Have you ever tried to round up 5 17/18 year old girls who are in party mode?! Let me tell you, it is no easy feat. I went into the party room and I found 4 out of 5 of the girls. The one missing? My sister, of course. "Where's Anna?", I quizzed. No one knew. Awesome. This is where I turned into, what a friend described as "Mother Hen"; I went into overprotective, older sister/ mother mode. I told the girls I found not to move and went to search for my sister who I found with a boy, of course. "Let's go," I told her, "Say goodnight." Yeah, as if it could be that easy! She informed me she needed to talk to this guy for awhile, and my protests failed. The guy was no help; he promised me he would take care of her. At this point, I was stressed out trying to round everyone up, I was tired, and frustrated with the way my New Years was turning out and I snapped back at the "Oh, yeah, I can trust you." Oops. A little harsh I think. To prove his trustworthiness, he promised me I could punch him where it hurts if he didn't bring my sister back in 5 minutes. What do you say to that!!?

Anyway, she goes down the hall to talk to this guy and I'm trying (unsuccessfully) to watch them without them knowing I'm watching them. Because, you know, what if he tried to run away with my sister!? Once I was confident that he wasn't trying to run away with her (ok, well after I got caught spying on them) I went back to check on the other girls. And what do you know? Another one is M.IA. When I asked where she was the answer was "she ran off with some guy." Fantastic. So I send the other one's to go hang out with Anna and her new found lover, who by the way, did declare his love for my sister in the exact words "I love Anna." Thank you so much for sharing. Now please back away from my sister, thank you. Finally, ~~by some miracle~~ thanks to my great rounding-up skills, all 5 of them are together. I did have to double check a few times, even counting off "1, 2, 3, 4... there's only 4 of you? Who's missing? Oh you're right behind me. Great, we have everyone." Seriously, I felt like a mother counting off all my children. (Thus the "mother hen" reference.)

So, if my New Years Eve has any indication of what my 2011 will be like, let's just say I'm not looking forward to it. Just like I had big plans for New Years Eve, I have big plans for this year (what they are, I'm not sure, but they are big plans, trust me). I definitely do not plan on spending my year chasing around partiers, but hey, you never know. One thing I can say, is that New Years Eve was definitely an adventure, and I'd be up for some adventure in 2011... why not!? If I can handle crazy teenagers, I can handle anything! Bring it on 2011...

I am linking up at Mama Kat's Losin' It for Writer's Workshop today. I used the prompt "If the way you spent your New Year’s Eve is any indication of how the rest of the year will go, how would you say your future is looking right about now?"

I Love Christmas!

2010-12-26T01:39:00.000-06:00

Who doesn't love Christmas?! As the song goes, "It's the most wonderful time of the year." Christmas is obviously great. ~~I may be biased~~, but personally I think it's especially great at my house! Our family traditions are what makes Christmas extra special and extra great in our house. Every year, I look forward to the same things and I know they will still be the same the next year and the next!

It kind of looks like it's snowing outside, but I promise there was no white Christmas in Dallas!

Our traditions start, of course, on Christmas Eve!
Every year, after we go to mass, as soon as we come home we get our "Christmas jammies"! This is so exciting to put on our jammies while we wait for dinner and we wake up ready for Santa in the morning dressed in our Christmas jammies! My sister and I usually match, too, which is fun and a flashback of our younger years when we usually matched!

I know it's blurry, but it's the only picture we have of our pj's! I wanted one of us in them, but it didn't happen.

Our dinner Christmas Eve is also one of my favorite traditions, as it is also one of the most delicious! We have home made, green pasta with salmon and tomato sauce; it's red and green so it's festive and it is seriously so, so good! Definitely one of my favorite meals of all time. (Sadly, no picture of this. I was too busy eating to remember to take a picture!)

Then, Christmas Eve night my sister and I usually spend the night together so we can wake up in the morning and see what "Santa" left. This year was sadly the first year we didn't do that, but I did wake up her in time to go open presents! We are instructed what time we can get up (it gets later every year as we get older, this year it was no earlier than 10 which was fine by us!), and we call our parents when we're ready. We wait at the top of the stairs for the "ok" to come down! We see what Santa left first and then we open the rest of the presents!

This is me, checking out what I got! haha

The aftermath of present opening! We pretty much destroyed our living room.

The rest of the day is my favorite way to spend Christmas; doing absolutely nothing. If we change out of our pajamas, the day is a fail. We stay in our pajamas all day long, and just relax! It's greatness.

This is what I was doing all day; laying on the couch with my laptop of course in my jammies!

My dad cooks another amazing dinner Christmas night; Beef Wellington and for dessert, Chocolate souffle. I don't even really like beef, but this is amazing. It is beef filled with puff pastry and just so, so yummy! We only eat this like once or twice a year, so it's really special!

Yumm!!

That concludes the Basso family Christmas traditions! I hold these traditions so close, and I think it's something that we all look forward to! I hope that these traditions can live on through the years and maybe one day my sister and I will share these with our families! Merry Christmas to you all, I hope your day was wonderful!

Write it down – to get it done (2011 edition)

2010-12-20T19:02:00.001-06:00

As you may or may not know, I am a member of a fabulous blogger community, 20 something bloggers. They are hosting a blog swap for all their members, and today's post comes from my partner Annelie. She describes herself on her 20sb profile as "A very passionate and friendly Swede who enjoys traveling, studying, dancing and of course blogging!" Be sure to check out my post at her place, too!

Most things that you put off are ideas that never get started on. But many times we put of finishing stuff that we already begun with, maybe just before the finish line. We call this procrastinating. Why do we do this? We have many reasons: we find the thing we should do boring, or time-consuming, maybe it was not what we expected when we started, don’t see the point of doing it or simply; other things came in the way.

Sometimes it is not even necessary to complete the things we have started, but I think that most of the time we feel better when we complete what we started. It makes us feel that we accomplished something and often it can lead to something better.

Earlier this week I wrote a post named “Write it down and get focused” where I simply shared a story about how I last spring blogged about something I wanted to do and by the end of the year I was doing it. Hopefully, what I will share here will have the same effect.

In 2011 I aim to do the following things that I’ve put off for too long:

1. I will finish by bachelor degrees
I’ve been studying more or less for the last 4 years but still not finished my degrees. I do have a diploma in mass communications but other than that I don’t have a degree yet. This is due to lots of reasons: uncertainties of what to study, time abroad, work, you name it. Now I’m so close to the finish line and 2011 it will happen!

2. I will start an IT-development-project
This is something I’ve been thinking about many times as the ideas emerged, but I’ve always found an excuse to not do it: time, skills etc. But as of Monday this week I’m collecting a team to try it out, and in 2011 it’s happening.

3. I will write at least 100 blog posts
My first year blogging about a school-related subject I produced almost as many posts as I anticipated. The second I did not set a goal, which made me sloppy. Next year is my third year, I this time I will make it. Third time’s a charm!

Goals should be smart; specific, measurable, attainable, realistic and timely. I think mine are, do you? What will you accomplish in 2011 that you’ve been putting off?

(Photo credit: http://www.flickr.com/photos/lumaxart/2137729748/)

Hard Times

2010-12-14T15:11:00.000-06:00

I haven't even been home for a week, and already it's hard. For many reasons, in real life home is never quite the glamorized version I have in my head. It's not as fun as I imagine, it's not as happy, it's not a lot of things.

I used to know what to expect when coming home. It used to be always pretty much the same. But for the past year, it's been different. Now when I come home, I don't know what to expect, don't know what it will be like. I don't know how my sister will be feeling, I don't know if she'll be home or in the hospital, I don't know a lot of things. In a lot of ways, this is hard because I like to know things ahead of time. I like being prepared.

Since I've been home, I have been struggling. Struggling with balancing my feelings with everyone elses, struggling with where I fit in when I'm home, struggling to feel happy. And that sucks. When I'm home, I want to be happy. I want to enjoy my time with them because I know when I'm gone I'll miss them. But it's not always easy. It's especially hard lately because my sister has been really sick and that requires a lot of attention from everyone else. My mom's main priority is taking care of her (as it should be), and even though I am ashamed to admit it, a lot of times it leaves me feeling left in the dust.

I am 21 years old, and I can clearly take care of myself. I don't need or require 24/7 attention from my parents, but sometimes you still like a reminder that people are happy to see you. That they are happy you're home. That they care about you just as much as your sister even though her needs come before yours. Logically, I know all of this is true. And I am mad at myself for thinking otherwise. But my emotional side gets the best of me, my feelings get hurt and I become someone I'm not proud of. I am angry, withdrawn, and sad. And most of all, selfish. I try so hard to let my own selfish feelings go, to let the logical side of me take over and remind me that I am loved and I'm not ignored. I try so hard to remember that the reason that my sister is getting all the attention is because she needs it. And I should consider myself lucky that I don't require that kind of attention because I know she is suffering.

But I am only human, and sometimes my emotions get the best of me. I know we are all dealing with a lot and we all have our crosses to bear. Coming home just brings up a lot of different emotions that I am not used to dealing with, and that is why I am struggling. I know it will get easier as time goes on. I know that it won't be like this forever. But the more I feel sad, the more angry I feel because I know I am being selfish. Because I am not the one with cancer and my attention complexes are hardly a problem in comparison. I wish I was a better person; one who was stronger and could handle being "ignored" for a few days; one who cared more about my sister and her struggles than my own selfish needs; one who said "What can I do?" instead of saying "What about me?". I am going to work to be this person. It's not going to be easy, but my family has enough to deal with, and the last thing they need is me acting like I'm 1 instead of 21.

So, these last couple days may have been rough, but I am learning. Learning to let go, to not be so selfish, and learning how to be a better person. I can't help the way I feel, but I can help what I do about it. I have to stop pouting and grow up. It's time. Hard times are on their way out...

The Best Things In Life Are Free...

2010-12-09T23:59:00.000-06:00

En route to Dallas today to go home for the holiday's, I learned a couple lessons. First of all, traveling is not cheap. Here's my breakdown for the day:

Lunch on the way to the airport: $7
Earphones for plane: $20
Gas money for my fabulous sorority little sis who drove me to the airport: $10
Starbucks (very necessary part of my travel experience!): $5
Magazines: $10
Dinner: $10
Beer (check that off the list of things I've wanted to do as a 21 year old citizen- have a beer at the airport!): $6
Plane ticket (ok I didn't actually pay for this myself, but I figured I may as well include it): $100+
However...

Finally being home and getting to spend the holidays with my family: Priceless

Second lesson of the day? The best things in life are free, as they say, and being home with my family for Christmas is definitely worth any amount of money! Free? Maybe not so much, but priceless.. for sure!

p.s. Sorry for being a total absentee blogger as of late. It's been a combination of not really knowing how to follow up my last post and writer's block. I hope that this will launch my comeback! Hopefully some of you are still around to read what I have to say!

So Close, Yet So Far

2010-11-10T01:45:00.000-06:00

A year and 10 days ago today was when my family recieved the worst kind of news; that something serious was going on with my sister. Just a couple weeks after that, we received more bad news; that it was cancer.

10 days from now, I was planning on celebrating (and by celebrating I mean blogging about) how far we've come in a year. How last year at this time, we weren't sure what the future held. How last year during the holidays, they were bitter sweet. And now, we could put this all behind us. We could truly enjoy our holidays knowing Anna is healthy. We could celebrate the miracle God has given us.

That was the plan... until today. Last week, it was decided that one more test needed to be run before Anna's port could come out. Her scans were clear, but they decided they should check her bone marrow before taking out the port as one last precaution. Today, we found out her bone marrow showed cancer cells were still present. Which means more treatment, more unknown, more fighting, and more praying.

No one, not even her doctors expected this to be the result. We were taken aback and obviously very sad. We had come so far, we thought we had it beat. Now, we start over again. Back to square 1.

My emotions and thoughts have been all over the place today. The main thing I keep thinking is I can't believe we're back here. It was all too familiar: the sad phone calls from my parents, the promises to keep me updated, the feeling of not knowing what's going to happen next, the treatment options, all of it. All of it felt exactly as it did almost a year ago. This year was supposed to be different. This year we were supposed to have celebrations and be thankful for Anna's health. I am so disappointed, scared, and just so sad. Sad for her because she is 17 and a senior in high school. Her biggest worries should be where she is going to college, not trying to beat cancer. This is such an exciting time in her life, and I want her to enjoy that, instead she has a huge burden like cancer weighing down on her.

Most of all, I hate being away. I am thousands of miles away and all I want to do is give my sister a hug and tell her "it will be ok" "we will get through this" and so much more. I want to be with my family who understands more than anything what I am going through, because they are going through it too. I have a great support system here; my friends and sorority sisters are amazing and supportive of not only me but also of Anna, and that is all I could ask for. But it's not the same. It's not the same as being with my family. It's not the same as being home. And as much as my friends/ sorority sisters care and understand what I'm going through, their lives move on. They are ok. That's not to say my family is not ok, but it effects family differently than it does friends and close family friends.

As ridiculous as it is, there is a part of me that feels guilty. Guilty for sometimes ignoring the calendar reminder that goes off every day at 12:12 to pray. Guilty for taking for granted her renewed health and not continuing to pray for continued health. Guilty because I can't do anything to make her better. My Aunt/Godmother and I exchanged messages over Facebook tonight, and she summed it up best "it is so frustrating not being able to do anything." It really is....

As much sadness and unhappiness I am feeling right now, I am also grateful. Which is a crazy thing to feel right now, but thank God we ran this test. Thank God we know that there are cancer cells present which could spread and cause irreversible damage. Thank God we can treat this, that there are options. I am so grateful that even though it sucks she has to go through more treatment, that there is treatment. That she can (and will) still beat this. This is not the end. It is just another beginning, and as much as that sucks, I would rather it be the beginning a thousand times than the end even once. My sister has proven she is a fighter and will continue to fight. This is just another bump in the road.

What hurts the most is that we were so close to the end, but now it seems as though we are so far. It is long from the end, because we are not giving up. Anna will fight until there is no fight left because she has conquered every battle. I know that. But I would just like to fast forward to that part.

A friend of hers posted this verse on her wall, and I thought it summed everything up perfectly "I can do all this through him who gives me strength." This should be Anna's motto. We know God is giving her the strength to get through this, and the rest of us strength to get through this.

Thank you all for your continued thoughts and prayers. My family & I definitely appreciate it!

It's My Birthday, and I'll ramble if I want to!

2010-11-01T18:05:00.000-05:00

So, I am a couple days late doing this, but I was a little busy ~~drinking~~ celebrating this weekend. Saturday was my 21st birthday, and I am super excited about this! I had a great weekend celebrating with great friends and I am so happy to be 21!! (So happy, in fact, that I haven't quite comprehended how old I am now. I am focusing on the exciting parts of being 21! lol) So, for my birthday post I have compiled a list of 21 random things about being 21!! (Did I mention I turned 21 enough times?)

First of all, I got a "Happy 21st Birthday" card from Student Life at my University with "21 ways to celebrate your 21st birthday. Here are some of the ways they listed that particularly amused me:

Strive to say "meow" 21 times in one conversation
Go get line dancing lessons
Take a shot of 21 flavors of Kool-Aid
Take 21 shots of water
Buy 21 lottery tickets
Go bowling and try to get a score of 21
Walk for 21 miles with a group at the park

While these are all ~~crazy~~ unique, they are not exactly how I chose to spend my birthday!
Also, being that 21 is a big birthday, it came with a lot of ~~unsolicited~~ advice/ interesting comments regarding my birthday. Here are some of the best one's to continue the list:

Don't go to the hospital
I knew someone who (insert crazy story here) on their 21st birthday. Don't do that.
Wow, Halloween and your 21st birthday on the same weekend? I hope you survive.
Have fun... but not too much fun.
Have a memorable birthday. In other words, remember it!
Be safe (I got this like 100 times. I guess people were concerned...)
(The next day) I'm glad you survived your 1st night as a 21 year old!

And, finally to round up the list, I have compiled some random thoughts about being 21, why I'm excited to be 21, etc.

If I so happen to go out and enjoy a couple of beverages on a school night, it's nice that now I don't have to worry about the big black "X"'s on my hands, so my professors won't know I went out the night before.
On that note, there is nothing worse than walking into the bar and having the bouncer yell "minor". It just makes you feel so horrible about being a minor! Thank goodness I am not one of those anymore!
It is really unfortunate that I got my driver's license picture redone this summer... and it was hideous. Now, I have to show my ID all the time and everyone is going to see the most unattractive picture of me ever!
Peer pressure sucks. Especially when it's your 21st birthday and everyone thinks you need to take a lot of shots. Don't do it. Not that I did, I'm just saying.
I feel like 21 is going to be expensive. I already have a list of places I want to go, things I want to do now that I am 21. They all cost money.
21 makes me feel old. Which I can't decide if this is a good thing or a bad thing. I mean it's good that I'm getting older and growing up, but holy crap where did the time go?!
This age opens up so many new windows and so many new places to explore, that I am super excited! I can't wait to go to the bars I couldn't go to before, to drink where I couldn't before. It's like a whole new world!

So, there you have it! Everything about being 21 compiled into one post! And just for fun, here is a picture of me with my 1st 2 legal drinks! A margarita and a birthday shot at the local mexican restaurant! (They give you a sombrero with the birthday shot and sing to you! haha It's really exciting!)

Don't I look happy?! haha! Also, I love comments so feel free to leave one saying Happy Birthday! ;)

Catching Up

2010-10-19T17:46:00.002-05:00

It's been forever and a day since I posted, I know. I have really missed posting. I just haven't had time to post and when I do have time, I have nothing to say.

I still don't really have much to say, but I felt like I needed to let you guys know you can call off the missing persons search; I'm ok, I've just been majorly neglecting my blog. So here's what's been going on:

I went home for the first time this semester last weekend (the 8th and 9th, not this past weekend). It was a short but sweet visit. I had lunch Friday with some women I work with over the summer. It was so good catching up with them!

Team Anna! How amazing is it all these people came out to support the team!?
Saturday was the Red Balloon Event for Children's Hospital where my sister was treated. My mom decided to start a "Team Anna" and we raised over $8000! It was so much fun and so amazing to see how many people came out to support Anna. It continually blows me away how much love and support we have received over the last year. I was so glad to be there to support team Anna!
That night, I went out to dinner with my parents for sushi, yum! It was so nice to just sit and catch up with them! Then we went to the Carrie Underwood/Billy Currington concert. Oh my gosh I can't say enough about how awesome that concert was. Carrie Underwood is so talented and I love Billy Currington, too! I was so happy I got to go! Unfortunately, the only pictures I have are kind of crappy because it is a picture of the projector screen, because although we have box seats which are amaizng they are not all that close and I didn't have my camera so this was the best I could do.
It was really hard to leave home and I literally cried off and on the entire day Sunday after I left. Eventually I was glad to get back and even though I still miss my family, I still love my home away from home.
Speaking of my home away from home at the Alpha Chi house, I have a little Sis now!!! (For those of you that don't speak Greek, when you're a new member of a sorority, you pick a "big sis", someone who will be your role model, helper, mentor, etc. for the next few years). It has been something I've always wanted since joining. She is so awesome and I am so happy to have her as my little!
To update about my sister, she is feeling great, looking great, and doing really well! She is scheduled for her next scans after 3 months of no chemo in about a week. Prayers are much appreciated as obviously we need good news! If her scans are clear, they will remove her port and she can go back to being even more normal!
Also, exciting event coming up: In 11 days, I will be 21!!! I am so excited! I can't wait to celebrate with my friends and have my first ~~legal~~ drink!

There's really not much else to report. I feel like this post was kind of a dud, but I felt like I should update. I promise to come up with something better really soon! Thanks for sticking around in my absence, I hope some of you are still out there!

(p.s. sorry the formatting/pictures are all over the place. Blogger did not want to cooperate. Blogger... we're fighting. Thanks for making my post look crappy.)

Writer's Workshop: Life's Unexpected Lessons

2010-09-23T16:59:00.000-05:00

When I was younger, I loved the Chicken Soup for the Soul books. I loved reading stories written by other people close to my age, and reading about other people's life experiences. Some happy, some sad, some in between. I never finished the whole book, though, because there was a chapter I always skipped. It was "On Death & Dying". A couple of times I tried to read through a few stories in that chapter, and I couldn't do it. I couldn't comprehend what it would feel like to lose someone close to you. I didn't want to think about depressing things like cancer, or tragic accidents, or death in general. Little did I know that this ignorance wouldn't last forever. Unfortunately, you can't skip over the "death and dying" chapter in your own life story.

A few weeks ago, a sorority sister of mine passed away unexpectedly. She was a new member, a freshman on campus this year, so I only knew her for about 2 weeks. She was sick; she had been fighting Scleroderma for several years, but was finally healthy enough to come to college; her biggest wish. She was the sister of a good friend of mine's (also a sorority sister) boyfriend who is also a friend of mine, so I had met her once before she came to school here. We all knew she was sick; it was discussed when we were deciding whether or not she would be a member of this house, but she didn't let that define her, so neither did we.

One night, she was having trouble breathing and feeling weak, so she asked her brother to take her to the hospital. It was not unusual for her to have to check into the hospital and get fluids and assistance breathing, so we didn't realize how serious it was when we heard. Early the next morning, she passed away.

The next day, we were all woken up really early in the morning and told to go to the basement. It was there we were told she had passed away. Obviously, we were all sad. Although we had only known her for a short time, she was one of our sisters, and that is an instant bond. I was sad for my friend who was so close with her. I was sad for her brother who is one of the nicest guys I've ever met and would do anything for his sister. Sad for their family. But, I didn't cry. I had only known her for a short time, so it was hard for me to mourn someone I felt like I barely knew.

Later in the week was the visitation, and then the funeral. It was decided that we would sing at her visitation one of our sorority songs in honor of her. I really wanted to be a part of this, so I decided to ride down to St. Louis with a couple sisters and attend the visitation. I have been fortunate enough to not have experienced many visitations before; I've been to maybe two in my 20 years of life, for my great-grandparents, so I didn't really know what to expect. When I walked into the room, there were pictures of Lyndsey everywhere, there were people standing in line to pay their respects to her body, and the open cascet.

All of the sudden, it hit me. I felt an overwhelming sadness, and I could not stop thinking this could easily be my sister. As I watched Lyndsey's friends hug Ryan, her brother, and cry, I suddenly saw myself in his shoes. I imagined Anna's friends paying their respects to her, heartbroken. I couldn't breathe. A year ago, a funeral or a visitation would have never affected me this way. But in November of last year, everything changed because my sister was sick. And after that I didn't know how much longer I would have my sister with me. After that, I could no longer experience or even read about death without thinking of my sister and her fight for her life.

The more I heard about Lyndsey at the funeral and from my sorority sister and her boyfriend, the more she reminded me of my sister. Even my best friend told me that Lyndsey and Anna reminded her of each other. They are both fighters; Neither of them questioned "why me?", they just did what they had to do in order to not be sick anymore. They are positive, and mature, and have such an amazing outlook on life because of what they've been through. It made it that much harder to deal with someone you know dieing when I looked at her and thought of my sister. When we heard she was in the hospital, I was comforting my friend who was really close with her. We talked about how Lyndsey and Anna were chosen for a reason; because they are fighters. I hate to see another fighter lose their battle, because it reminds me that my sister could lose hers, too.

I am lucky that my sister is still here, and healthy now. But sometimes those thoughts still creep up, no matter how much you try to stop them: "how much longer will she be here?" "how much longer can she stay healthy without chemo?" "What would I do without her in my life?". The truth is, I don't know the answers to these questions. I wish I did, but I have to accept that that is part of what happens when you love someone who is sick.

For now, I just carry with me every day the lessons I have learned from Lyndsey and Anna. I don't take life for granted, and I try not to let little things get me down. People have bigger battles to fight, and Lyndsey and Anna did it with smiles on their faces. I would have never guessed that losing someone I didn't know that well could have affected me so deeply, but it did. As a constant reminder of what I've learned from them and that they are fighters, I rock my "Pray 4 Anna" and "For Lyndsey" bracelets every day. It's my way of showing the outer world that they are always on my mind.


"Pray 4 Anna" and "For Lyndsey, Forever an Alpha Chi"bracelets.

I wish that I could skip over the chapter in my life of "death and dying." I wish I could even read ahead to the end of the book to answer the questions I have. But, I can't. And if I had skipped the chapter, I wouldn't be who I am today. You never know when life is gonna throw you a lesson, and a reminder to be strong for the people you love.

This post is part of Mama Kat's Writer's Workshop. I used the prompt "In the book I’m reading,Girls of Tender Age,the main character is deeply affected by the murder of a childhood friend. Describe a tragedy you didn’t expect to be as deeply affected by as you are."

Back to Blogging

2010-09-14T17:40:00.000-05:00

So I've been kind of MIA lately, I know. I have really wanted to blog, but first of all there's this thing called school keeping me a little busy these days. Combine that with Sorority life, working, and campus activities and all of the sudden I got really busy! That, and when I did have a chance to blog, I couldn't come up with anything to say! I had no idea what to write about, so instead I wrote nothing. I guess I just needed some inspiration. I think the SITS girls must have known this because this week they are hosting the Back to Blogging event! This event is all about getting back into the habit of blogging after the summer. There are different tasks for each day and everyone links up! They even have awesome sponsors like Standards of Excellence, Westar Kitchen and Bath, and Florida Builder Appliances and are giving away Thelma & Louise, an Electrolux washer & drier!

So, today's task is to re-upload a post you wish more people would have read. This was harder than I thought it would be. I mean it took me awhile to get readers on my blog, so I figured I would have some old posts that no one read that I would want to give life to. Well, the more I read through my old stuff, the more I realized there was a reason no one read it. It wasn't that well written, it wasn't that interesting, whatever the case, I just didn't find anything I felt was worthy of re-posting. And the posts I did like and wouldn't mind re-posting? Well they had a lot of comments already, so I figured that counts as a lot of people seeing it right?

Finally, I stumbled upon a few posts I thought were acceptable that didn't have too many comments. One was summing up my freshman year of college. But I talk a lot about my college experience on this blog and sometimes I feel like I say the same thing every time, so I wanted to go with something different!
Finally, I found this post. I was unusually witty that day, and it has always been a favorite post of mine because it makes me laugh and it is about something I love, Starbucks! So this is entitled "As if I needed more reasons to buy Starbucks..." Enjoy! :)
**********************************************************************
I may have mentioned before that I am a HUGE fan of Starbucks. Yes, I am a Starbucks-aholic. (stands up) Hi, I’m Patrice, and I’m a Starbucks-aholic. Everyone: Hi, Patrice.

So the other day I was enjoying my Grande Non-Fat, with whip Mocha (what? I like it how I like it okay!?) when something caught my eye…

On the back of my cup it said: “YOU. HAVE BEEN WORKING WITH CONSERVATION INTERNATIONAL FOR 10 YEARS.” (They put it in caps, not me just to clarify) So I was all umm… I’m not sure I follow? So I kept reading… “Everything we do, you do.” Ok, now I’m really confused… what are they saying to me?! I kept reading (I was bored, ok? I needed some entertainment…) “Buy our coffee and good things happen.” Well, I knew that… ask anyone that knows me, Starbucks can change my mood from bad to good, it has powers that even people don’t have!

I won’t quote the whole thing (it’s really not that interesting!) Basically, they were just saying they have partnered up with CI (Conversational International) for the last 10 years and have therefore helped farmers and the planet, and by buying their coffee I am helping!!

I don’t know about you, but I think this is FANTASTIC news! I can finally justify my Starbucks ~~addiction~~ love!! I am saving the planet, not satisfying my own ~~needs~~ desires!! I am helping farmers! I, Patrice, am making a difference in the world! So what if it costs me ~~my life savings~~ a few dollars? It is for a good cause!!!

I especially liked the way Starbucks ended their letter to me: “It makes a difference. Just like you do. Congratulations, you.” YES! Congratulations, ME!

I am a planet saver!!!!! Best.news.ever! :)

This is my cup... I know you can't really read it, but I had to save the evidence!
This is my excited face when I found out the great news! lol

Well, that's it! If you came over from SITS, thanks for stopping by! I hope you'll come back. I'm excited to get Back 2 Blogging, I've missed it around here! :)

PYHO: My Place in this World

2010-08-25T17:14:00.000-05:00

There's an old Taylor Swift song that has always been one of my favorites because I totally and completely related to the lyrics. It's all about feeling lost, and not really knowing what is coming next, and not knowing where your place is in the world (the song is called "A Place in this World"). Some of my favorite lyrics are "Don't know what's down this road, I'm just walkin..." and the end of the chorus is "I'm just a girl trying to find a place in this world."

This song resonated with me from the first time I heard it. But up until recently, it spoke to me even more than usual. For a lot of the summer and maybe even some of last semester, I started doubting a lot of the decisions I made in the past few years. I made a lot of important decisions, and fast, and suddenly I was questioning them and if they were right for me. More specifically, where I go to school. I started wondering if I really wanted to be at this school. I started feeling like I was missing something by being at such a small school, like I wasn't having a "real" college experience.

It was hard for me to deal with these feelings, to process them and to figure out what I was supposed to about them. I am a junior in college, it's a little late to change my whole life plan. By the time I finally opened up and spoke about my feelings, I was two weeks away from going back to school and it was too late to do anything about it. I didn't want to tell anyone how I felt because I felt like a failure for feeling that way. And I definitely didn't want to blog about it because I didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings. Since I didn't really have a choice, I went back to school for my third year, but with hesitation. I wasn't sure I wanted to be here. I wasn't sure that this was my place in the world. '

However, as I got back into town and started seeing familiar land marks, and got on campus, I started feeling like maybe it would be ok after all. That first night back in town, I went out to meet a few friends who were already in town, and within minutes of sitting there catching up with my friends, I knew. I knew that it was gonna be ok. The last couple weeks here haven't always been easy; there have been tears, and doubt about being here, even times when I was ready to pack up and leave. But eventually those feelings subside, and the feelings that remain are I can't imagine my life without these people, I love the feeling of this campus, I love being here. Those are what matter becaususe they mean more to me than any negative feelings.

Over two years ago when I started searching for colleges, I just knew that when I found the right place for me, I would just know. Something would click for me, that told me this is where I'm supposed ot be. When I stepped onto this campus for the first time about a month before high school graduation feeling hopeless about finding a school, I got that feeling. I knew this is where I was supposed to be. And two years ago, when I joined Alpha Chi Omega, those feelings multiplied. I am where I am supposed to be. It may not be a Big 10 school with awesome football games, and crazy parties. It may not be a school anyone has ever heard of, but it is my school, and for that I am grateful. I am glad I found my place in this world.

I am linking up today at Shell's place for Pour Your Heart Out!

Guest Post: Finding the perfect lock!

2010-08-21T23:54:00.001-05:00

This fall marks the 7^th anniversary of my freshman year of college. My how time sure does fly! I set off to college unsure of everything other than my very well coordinated bedding. I had talked to my new roommate a few times, and coordinated the necessary agreements (she bought the rug, I bought the mini fridge) and our families met for dinner the night before move in. In the blink of an eye my family left me hours away, and I was left to my own devices.

My school had deferred recruitment that took place at the end of January, and in all honesty I didn’t even think about joining a sorority until January. My fall was filled with new friends, tough classes, and lots of homesickness. I went home for winter break relieved to have some time with my family, although I finally felt like I “fit” at school.

Winter term began, and everyone (male and female) was talking about sorority recruitment. No one in my family had gone Greek, and to say that they were hesitant is the understatement of the century. (Dad may have seen “Animal House” one too many times) But I forged ahead, not knowing what to wear or how to talk or the importance of a good hair straightener. (In retrospect, I wore dorky clothes, talked about weird stuff, and still hadn’t realized the full potential of my hair)

I won’t sugarcoat my recruitment experience as a Potential New Member, because it pretty much stunk. Mostly because I was basing my expectations entirely on what other people were telling me, rather than asking questions of the right people and truly trying to find a place to call home. Luckily, the women of Alpha Chi Omega were persistent despite my hesitation to join their chapter. I am eternally thankful to the women who took the time to get to know me, looked past my dorky clothes and hair, and realized my full potential both within and beyond Alpha Chi Omega.

Here I am (Right) very excited for one of my first "theme" parties freshman year!

A couple years later while serving on my college Panhellenic’s executive board I would attend a national conference and have a speaker discuss the “Lock Key Principle” (I still have the notebook with my notes) What the principle explains is that you shouldn’t have to force yourself to “fit” and if you do, than it’s not the right place for you to be. Every key has a lock, but you have to find the right match to feel “at home” The speaker went on to say that, “Every rejection is a selection” And while my 19 year old self wouldn’t have appreciated that logic, the truth is I wasn’t selected by many chapters, and while it was disheartening to not be wanted by all, I WAS selected by Alpha Chi Omega. Others were selected by Alpha Xi Delta and Sigma Kappa, some by Sigma Sigma Sigma and still some by Alpha Omicron Pi. In the end, we all found the lock to our key.

Bid Day senior year with my New Member class!

I have had an amazing sorority experience, which continues to compound. While in college I served as our VP Recruitment & College Panhellenic Director of Education. Upon graduation I have served as a Recruitment Advisor, I am now a Chapter Advisor and House “Mom” (or House Director if we’re being PC) I also serve as a National Volunteer and have met countless other Alpha Chi Omega’s through twitter, facebook, and the blogosphere. (Who knew?!)

As so many of you prepare for Sorority Recruitment, remember to find the lock to your key. It’s easy to get caught up in the excitement of the process and what everyone else is saying and doing. Remember to listen to your heart and look for the place that feels most like home to you. Look for other women who share your same values and will help to make you a better, stronger woman. Find the women who will help you to celebrate your victories and divide your sorrows. And most of all soak it all in and enjoy it! This truly is an amazing time in your life, and before you know it you will be crossing the stage collecting your diploma and moving onto the next phase of your sisterhood; which is the most beneficial aspect of your membership: Lifelong Sisterhood.

P.S. - Since I didn't introduce myself, I'm Lexi and I blog regularly over at {Dishin' With Edna} where I write about just about everything, including my day to day sorority experiences as an alumna of Alpha Chi Omega.

The Giving Fraternity

2010-08-21T00:00:00.000-05:00

Hello readers, My name is Britain, and I am a fellow Alpha Chi Omega, and blogger, be sure to check out my blog Simply Southern Girl by clicking the link! When Patrice, asked me to guest post, I thought of course! but what shall I post about..

Since Patrice is in the midst of sorority recruitment, I knew I wanted to focus on something greek. The below article was posted on Fraternal Thoughts blog, I decided I must share it with her readers because a) I LOVE the Giving Tree.. It is such a wonderful book. b) wish that all Greeks nation wide take a moment to reflect upon their collegiate experience upon reading this article.. c.) I hope it helps fellow greeks understand that when you graduate from college, while your formal education at your Alma mater may be over, in regards to fraternity, it ain’t over. Not by a long shot.

So without further a due:

The other night, my son Jack pulled Shel Silverstein’s The Giving Tree off his shelf. In this tale, a young boy develops a relationship with a large tree, climbing her, playing in her branches, incorporating her into his imaginary stories, and simply resting beside her large trunk. The tree loved the little boy and the boy loved the tree.

As the boy grew, his use for his beloved tree changed. Life circumstances drew him away from the tree, which saddened her. She would wait anxiously for his return, and through the book, we see him come back to her at pivotal times in his life. As a young man, he tells the tree that he needs money. She tells him that she has no money, but he can harvest her apples and sell them, which he does. Later, he returns as a middle-aged man, and tells her that he wants a house. She has no house to give, but encourages him to take her branches to build a house. He does. He comes back to her as an older man, with a desire to go far away from home – to sail somewhere free from problems. She offers her trunk so that he may build a boat, and he takes it. What’s left of the tree is a stump, still firmly rooted in the ground.

Each step along the way, when the boy would return and request more and more from the tree, she was excited to give him what he needed. Each time the boy would take something, the book tells us: “and the tree was happy.”

Many more years pass, and the boy returns as a very old man. The tree is excited to see him, but tells him that she has nothing left to provide – no apples, no branches, and no trunk. All she is, she tells him, is just a stump. The man tells her that he is too old to need anything but a place to rest his weary bones. The tree tells him that a stump is good for resting, and encourages him to come rest on her. He does.

And the tree was happy.

Consider this story as you prepare to leave your undergraduate years. These last few years in the fraternity or sorority were like the years the tree first spent with the little boy. The fraternity was excited to have you. It wanted you to use it for play, to learn critical lessons, to build the story of your life. Likewise, you loved and needed the fraternity. It’s “fruit” were the relationships you built with your brothers and sisters – relationships that became your family. It’s “branches” were the moments it gave you so that you could experience the carpe diem of college life. The “trunk” served as the memories that stay sturdy and strong as the rest of life moves on. The fraternity became a part of your life, and you, a part of hers.

So now you are an alum. Like the boy in the story, you’ll likely return to the fraternity or sorority for different needs as your life pivots and changes. You may ask her for things – and she will graciously give them to you. A fraternity is a selfless giver – always wanting her members to be happy and fulfilled. And we gladly take. We take her fruit, her branches, and her trunk. They help us navigate this crazy, awful, beautiful life. In return, we give her the joy of seeing her members live lives of significance. She doesn’t ask for anything else. But, that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t give her more. We can become the “giving tree” for her.

As an alum, you can give the fraternity the gift of mentorship. You can be a guide and a resource for new members. You can also give the fraternity the gift of your presence by attending national events, serving as an advisor, and contributing as an alumni leader. You can give the fraternity your treasure, donating to educational foundations and house corporations. You can do all of these things, and the fraternity will be better because of them.

But there is a gift even greater. There is a part of the fraternity that we haven’t yet discussed. In The Giving Tree, it’s the stump. It’s the part that is always there even after the rest is taken. It’s our Ritual. Our values. Our codes. Our oaths. Our declarations to be better men and women by living the core values of our fraternities. It was the greatest gift the fraternity gave you, and will continue to give you every day of your life.

And the greatest gift you can give her in return is to live her ritual every day. When you do, you honor her. When you don’t, you slight her.

Remember that your undergraduate years are only the beginning – and not the end. Your fraternity gave you a guide for how to live life to its fullest. When the many twists, turns, and bumps of life come your way, remember this gift. She will be there in the good times and the bad. She can help you build a marriage, raise a family, advance a career, and enhance the world. All you need to provide is integrity – a willingness to stay true to her teachings.

If you do, then your story may read like this:

After many years, the boy returned to the fraternity. She was so excited to see him that she could barely speak. The boy looked at the fraternity and spoke with conviction.

"I return today to thank you and tell you about the life you prepared me for. You gave so much to me, and I've tried to repay those gifts by living your values."

He continued. "You gave me the confidence to make hard decisions, and through my life I tried to always do what was right. You taught me the power of responsibility, and I was always true in my words and actions. Leadership is another gift you gave me, and because of you, I’ve always stepped forward when needed. You also gave me a chance to serve my fellow man, and I assure you that I haven’t stopped.”

“I stand more proudly because of you. I am kinder to others because you asked me to be. And I am rarely alone thanks to the extended family you helped me find. You gave me all of this, and more.”

“But I’m not sure that I have anything left to give,” the fraternity replied.

“All I want is a chance to read your Ritual once again.” said the boy.

“Then come, rest for a while, and read.” said the fraternity. “There are even more lessons to learn. You are not yet finished with this life; not yet finished giving."

After a while, as the boy set to leave, the fraternity spoke. “You honor me by giving," she said. Never stop sharing your unique gifts and my unique teachings with this world. Give. Give. Give.”

And the boy did.

And the fraternity was happy.

Guest post: Crossing over

2010-08-19T16:41:00.007-05:00

This is the first year I will not return to Washington and Lee University. I am now an alumna which means I will no longer practice walking up and down the stairs, leaving enough room for the PNM on my arm to hold onto the handrail or rehearse yelling loud enough to drown out the two "srat" houses on either side of us, "I am a P! I am a P-I! I am a P-I-B-E-T-A-P-H-I!"

Recruitment is a big deal at our small liberal arts school tucked into the Blue Ridge Mountains and the Valley of Virginia. Roughly three out of every four women will go Greek. We run a formal recruitment, meaning we go to the max - we decorate trash cans with bows. We are all Pi Phi all the time.

And it's sad knowing I won't be going back to that, that I won't sit at lunch with my sisters or walk to class with them.

But it is comforting to know that our Greek commitments aren't just for four years, they're for life. I was in a sister's wedding in June. Another just had a baby and has been showered with congratulations from her pledge sisters. And now I am advising a chapter where I get to see them struggle with the same things I did not so long ago.

The experiences we have, the friendships we make and the lessons we learned don't walk across the stage with us at commencement. They live within us and we pass them on.

Recruitment can be stressful, that's for sure - not finding time to do work, heading home past midnight from the house, being surrounded by women 24/7 with seemingly no time for yourself. But keep in mind what is being built. Recruitment is the lifeblood of our organizations. It is the one time of year we get to extend the hand of sisterhood to women who will be by our sides when we face our greatest disappointments and our most profound accomplishments.

And I'd give anything to be back at it.

Stephanie Hardiman is a freelance writer and journalist. She keeps a personal blog of things vaguely related to her life and the media here.

Guest Post: Sisterhood Everywhere

2010-08-18T22:10:00.008-05:00

Hi! I'm Kelly, and I actually do not have a blog, but when I saw Patrice's call on Twitter for guest bloggers I just had to answer it. Talking about my sorority experience is one of my favorite things to do! My collegiate experience is more unique than most. In my second semester at Carnegie Mellon University, I joined a local sorority, Zeta Psi Sigma, through informal recruitment. Originally never intending to join a sorority, at the end of the week I found myself praying and hoping that I would get a phone call on Friday night from one of the sisters, inviting me to the brunch event the next morning. If they invited me to brunch, that must mean that they like me, right? That fall, after 12 years of being the only local sorority on CMU's campus, we made the decision to affiliate with a national organization. Our Panhellenic Council agreed to open the campus for expansion and gave us (most of) the authority to decide which group we'd want to "adopt" us. The semester was filled with research about the remaining National Panhellenic Conference sororities, about everything from their colors to their philanthropic causes to what other schools had chapters. Finally, after four months of research, presentations, discussions, and votes, we chose Alpha Chi Omega. One of the major differences of being in a local sorority is that there wasn't much sense of a lifetime commitment. Sure, our alumnae were informed about what was going on in the chapter, and they were interested in how we were doing, but there was no real opportunity to be “active” in alumnae life. I got my first taste of the lifetime commitment of Alpha Chi Omega when I attended my first national convention in 2006. Hundreds of women, from all regions and of all ages, were gathered together in one location to vote on legislation and gather new ideas to take back to their chapters. It was simply amazing to see all of these women together, and to know that I have sisterhood in common with every one of them. When I was about to graduate and I got job offers in new cities, the first thing I did was email the local alumnae chapter president to ask questions about the area and the alumnae chapter. I decided to take a job in Dallas. I had no family in Dallas or anywhere close to it, and I had never lived so far away from my family. But my Alpha Chi Omega sisters were always there for me and I am forever thankful for that. It made my year there much more bearable when I was painfully homesick. I looked forward to attending alumnae events and chapter meetings at Southern Methodist University. I got to see one of Alpha Chi Omega's biggest philanthropy events, Alpha Chi Couture, which raised over $30,000 for domestic violence awareness that year. When it was my birthday, a sister took me out to dinner so that I wasn't alone. Even though I've moved back home to Pittsburgh, I still keep in touch with my Dallas sisters through Facebook, and I was even able to see a few of them at Convention this past summer. I know that if I ever move to a new city again, the first thing I'll do is connect to the alumnae in the area and build relationships with the amazing women that I am so lucky to call my sisters.

Rush Week Guest Post #2

2010-08-18T10:15:00.002-05:00

I'm Audreya from If You Ask Me. And let me just say upfront that I've never said anything in my life in less than a thousand words, so forgive me if I ramble on! When Patrice first asked if anyone wanted to guest post about their sorority experience, I was reluctant to say "yes". Strictly speaking, I wasn't in a sorority, so would I really have the much to offer? But, in the end, the desire to hear myself talk (or read myself type, I guess) won out and here we are…

The sorority experience itself also started off reluctantly for me. A little background: I attended a small, private university in Arkansas. Our sororities weren't part of the national Greek system, so we referred to them as social clubs. However, aside from a few vocabulary differences, I've found my experience to much the same as that of my Greek friends. I say "pledge". You say "rush". Technically I think we're all supposed to say "induction" or "recruitment", but the gist is the same.

I started college in the fall of 1997. I arrived on campus with preconceived notions about sororities in general and even about each specific club. I'd had friends and relatives attend the same university and tell me "Oh, these girls are snobby", "These girls are dorks", "You should totally pledge this club…" (Note: Our process was flip-flopped from what I understand most to be. We had almost two months of mixers / selection process and then one pledge week, after which we were full-fledged members.) I began attending the open mixers for a number of clubs. I even attended a couple of the invite-only mixers later in the process. Then it was time for the pledges to rank their top choices and the clubs to rank their top pledges. It all got put into a computer and… beep, beep, boop, boop… a bid sheet appeared. Like eHarmony: Sorority Edition. (We also had an "everyone gets a bid" policy. Though the bid might be for a club you ranked very low, you did get a bid and get the opportunity to pledge if you wanted.)

However, after the invite-only round of mixers, I had decided pledging wasn't for me. I wasn't head over heels for any of the clubs. I didn't want to devote that much time to anything. All in all, I thought it seemed unnecessary. I mean, it was a campus of less than 5,000 students. I could make friends on my own, right? Of course, a staggering percentage (80-something, I think) of students participated in social clubs. When you met someone new "What club are you in?" preceded "What is your major?" as an ice breaking question. But, whatever, I was my own woman. I dropped out of the pledge process.

I don't regret that decision. It was right for me at the time. I got involved with a drama group. Declared a major I actually never changed (I'm still waiting for an award for that, by the way!) Made friends in a variety of clubs that I might not have made if I'd been focused on just one particular set of Greek letters. But, most importantly, I had a year to observe. At the end of my freshman year, I realized I that I was going to pledge the following year. Not because I felt like an outcast… I didn't. Not because I had missed out on going to banquets and functions… I didn't. But because I liked the sense of community I had seen amongst each club… and the social club system as a whole. And, the club I knew I wanted to pledge was one of them I hadn't even given a second glance to during the mixers the previous fall. Funny how things works out like that, isn't it?

So, when my sophomore year rolled around, I began the pledge process again. Though I knew many of the girls by then, I wasn't a shoo-in. I visited and sent notes in the mail. I held my breath on bid day. And, when I opened my envelope and saw the logo of a key at the top, I knew I was where I belonged. My social club was called Tri Kappa. For obvious reason, we went by Tri Kappa and not three Ks. And no, no one ever figured out exactly what our founders what thinking with that choice of name, but I assure you it was nothing sinister! We were the Sisters of the Key… the key to everlasting friendship.

"Everlasting friendship" seemed like a corny phrase at the time, but who was I to judge? I was a Class II member, affectionately known as a gopher. I still had to get through pledge week!

I don't know what pledge week / rush week is like now. I know there are all sorts of laws about hazing, forced participation, etc. As there should be. Those laws were around when I pledged, and combined with our campus' strict policies, everyone had a safe experience… but did I have to all sorts of ridiculous / silly / bizarre / early in the morning - late at night things? You betcha. I wore the same pair of black socks for the entire week and wasn’t allowed to wash them. I carried my pledge book with me EVERYWHERE and was only allowed to set it down when specifically told to do so. I wasn't allowed to walk on grass. I memorized countless facts about the club. I searched ALL OVER CAMPUS for the Halsey-Taylor monument only to find out there were about 10 in each building and most people called them water fountains. Nonsensical? Sure. But would I trade it? Not for the world.

My best friend and I pledged together.
When we got our jerseys,
we were so excited, we shot an entire roll
of film doing weird poses like this.

At the end of the week - "Hell Night", as it was called - we went out to our sponsor's house - in the middle of the woods - and had to recite all the stuff we'd memorized, participate in more silly stunts, etc. At the end of the night, we sat in a circle and were told to close our eyes and remain silent. The President talked about how most of us had done well and would be welcomed into the club, but a few of us just didn't work out. If you felt a tap on your shoulder, you were out (I think Project Runway stole our idea). You were to quietly leave the circle and let the other girls celebrate. When I felt that tap on my shoulder, my heart sank. I fought back tears. What had I done wrong?! But I opened my eyes and began to stand up. That's when I realized everyone else was doing the same. One last joke for the Class I members / scare for the Class II. Behind us stood our Big Sisters with their jersey… ready to hand over to us. We were in! It is still one of my favorite memories ever.

My Big Sis and me at my formal
induction ceremony

I went on to become Historian, Activities Director, Vice-President and President. (And yes, as President, I did the same "fake out" stunt on Hell Night.) I even served as an officer on the Inter-Club Council. Later, people would laugh when I put those skills on my resume, but it was a lot of work and valuable experience. Successfully getting a bunch of boy-crazy, giggly 18 year old college freshman through Pledge Week alive and without any laws being broken? Yeah, that puppy is going on the resume! I found out a lot about myself by being in a sorority. I learned that I make an okay leader. I learned that talking in front of a crowd wouldn't kill me. I now use those skills every single day in my career. But, more importantly, I learned what it meant to have sisters you aren't related to. I made some of the best friends I can imagine. Like Mandy said in her post yesterday, some people say that being a sorority equates to buying your friends. Nothing could be further from the truth. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Sure, you can absolutely have a great college experience if you aren't in a sorority. Sure, it's not for everyone. But for those of us who've done it, it's absolutely something to be proud of. Paying dues might cover some of the administrative costs, but the experiences I had and the friendships I made were priceless.

Sadly, after 50 years, membership dwindled and eventually the club dissolved. Some shiny new clubs had formed on campus. Other larger clubs began taking even more members. My sister was in one of the last pledge class Tri Kappa saw. I'm proud she was able to pledge as my legacy. And that's the thing about legacies… they live on even when the thing that started it all isn't around anymore. Maybe "The Key to Everlasting Friendship" wasn’t so corny after all.

Guest Post: Rush Week

2010-08-17T07:10:00.012-05:00

Hi guys! I am Mandy and I blog over at ...life's about a dream. Somewhere along the line, I found Patrice's blog or she found mine (after three kids, my memory is shot). I once posted about attending an AXO reunion (I am a tad older than Patrice) and she piped up in my comments about being a sister. She did an all call this week for guest posters, especially AXOs, and I jumped.

Come with me as we travel back in time to era of denim and Hammer Pants...

--------

I rushed at Clemson University in August 1994.

I had my wisdom teeth taken out 5 days before I arrived on the Clemson campus.

So basically I still had some swelling and pain during rush.

That's just what someone needs when they have to smile and talk to hundreds of girls they don't know.

There were 600 freshman and sophomore girlsgoing through rush.

Each sorority "party" was in a different location around campus.

Did I mention Clemson has a big campus?

It's August.

In the South.

Which made it HOT.

And I resembled a sweaty chipmunk.

I think I answered the same questions from a zillion girls over and over.

Where are you from?

What's your major?

What dorm are you living in?

I didn't mind; I loved meeting new people. Rush was kind of my thing.

As the week wore on, the 11 sororities were whittled down to two. You then attended the "pref" parties (preference parties) and waited on a bid.

Standing outside of Tillman Hall on Bid Day, waiting to see if you received a bid from the sorority you wanted (or a bid at all) was one of the most nerve wracking things I have ever gone through.

Much to my relief, I had a bid.

Then it was off to the races.

All the rushees ran (literally) to find the spot on campus where their new sisters were waiting for them.

Upon finding my chanting Alpha Chis (A-L-P-H-A C-H-I Omega), I almost tripped down the steps to hug a friend from high school, who was waiting for me. I have such fond memories of being with my AXO sisters, my friends.

To this day, I always hear comments about "buying" your friends when you join a sorority.

But when those friends were in your wedding,

when those friends still meet up with you for football games and mini reunions,

and those friends are still staying in touch with you 15+ years later (thank you very much, Facebook),

then I'd say it was a pretty good investment.

Excuse Me While I Fall Off the Planet...

2010-08-13T23:42:00.001-05:00

If I'm not here for awhile, don't mind me. Don't worry, I am going to fall off the face of the planet for awhile but I'll be back!

Tomorrow I leave to go back to school & all the madness starts Sunday! I have 8 hours to get moved in, set up, decorated and everything then Sorority recruitment starts. This means hours and hours of practicing conversations, talking to girls, lots and lots of work. And very little sleep. Which also means very little free time (a.k.a blogging time). So, yeah, I won't be here much.

I knew this was coming, which was why I had planned to post a lot this week, and write posts to schedule to post next week so my blog would not be neglected at all. Except then life got in the way. And all the sudden my to do list multiplied by like 1000. I was trying to finish up at work before I left for the summer, trying to complete all my shopping, say all my goodbyes. Needless to say, this did not leave a whole lot of extra time. So, I didn't get around to blogging.

Not only am I behind on my blogging, but I am behind on my 31DBBB stuff. Like probably at least 10 days behind. Clearly I will not be finishing the challenge in 31 days, nor will I be done in 5 days like everyone else. Maybe by the end of next month, if I'm lucky! What can I say, I just haven't had time! Seems to be the common theme of this post, huh!?

Anyway, this is all good stuff. Going back to school for my 3rd year (how did that happen!!?!) will be great, and sorority rush is such a great time to bond with sisters and get new ones!!! My blog can wait, I know that.

Since I failed to plan ahead and write posts for next week (I know, shame on me!), I was wondering if anyone would be interested in sharing your sorority story! Since I'll be out for sorority stuff, I want to dedicate the week to all things sorority (especially if you were an AXO, wink wink!). If you are interested, let me know! It would be so fun to hear y'alls experiences! (ETA: I don't think I was clear. I am looking for anyone interested in guest posting next week about your sorority experience!)

So, I apologize for my absence. I sure hope you'll still be here when I get back!! I'll definitely be checking in as much as possible at your blogs! See you on the flip side...

Are You Excited!? (Re-post)

2010-08-07T09:00:00.006-05:00

I am out of town this weekend, and I didn't want my blog to be neglected! This is a post I wrote last year at this same time, and a year later it still rings true (truer than ever, I think). It has been on my mind lately, so I thought I would share it again for those of you who didn't read it the first time! Or even if you did, you can take a walk down memory lane with me!
*********************************************
"Are you excited!?"

I hear this almost everyday at least twice a day, probably more. It usually follows the question "When do you go back to school?" As soon as I answer, it always always follows "Are you excited?"

This is where the dilemma is. I know the answer everyone is expecting. I know I'm supposed to say "yes! I can't wait! I'm so excited!" The truth? I don't know how I feel. Of course I want to see my friends, of course I'm looking forward to seeing them again, but excited? Not really. Not yet, anyway.

When I think about this question, and how I'm supposed to react, it reminds me of an episode of Sex & the City (work with me, it's not what you think!) when Miranda finds out she is pregnant with a boy. She knows what the ultra sound tech is expecting; for her to get all excited! So, in her words, she "fake orgasms". She acts all excited, saying "a boy! oh boy oh boy!" because that's what is expected of her even though she wasn't really feeling that way.

This is how I feel when people ask me if I'm excited to go back to school. I feel like they expect me to shout for joy, maybe jump up & down with excitement. I mean, can you imagine if someone said "are you excited to go back to school?" and my response was "eh... not really."? I realize that most people that ask this are just being polite, and don't actually expect me to go into a long, deeply thought out answer. Which is exactly why I smile and "fake it" so to speak and say "Yes, I'm so excited!"

Don't get me wrong. I love where I go to school. I love my friends. It's just hard for me to go back & forth, and it's hard for me to be excited. It takes me awhile to adjust to a new situation. It's the same coming home from school; when I first get home my parents are all giddy and excited I'm home and I'm thinking getmeoutofhereandbacktoschoolNOW! But pretty soon it starts to feel normal again, and I know that's how it will be once I get to school. It will take a little getting used to at first, but then it will be normal again, and I won't want to come home because I'm so happy there.

So, for now, when I get asked if I'm excited, I'll continue to fake it. I'll smile and nod my head and maybe even jump up and down like an idiot (ok, probably not), but inside hold tight to the knowledge that one day soon I will be excited, and won't be able to imagine a time when I wasn't. Or maybe I'll just answer "read my blog"!

How We Became the Laughingstock of the Beach

2010-08-04T12:40:00.000-05:00

Disclaimer: I was sadly not present for this event due to not feeling well. However, I heard about it in enough detail from my family members that I feel I am educated enough to tell this story, even if it is second-hand. I attempted to check my facts as much as possible, so I blame lack of family cooperation for any incorrect facts.

This past week, my family and I were in Litchfield Beach, SC for a family reunion with my dad's side. This our 21st year in a row going, and it is always a blast. It is truly special that my cousins, sister and I were able to grow up with this tradition of getting together every summer, and getting to see family who we might not be able to see otherwise.

Anyway, after 21 years of meeting at the same place, we have definitely developed some traditions over the years. Some have lasted all 21 years (as far as I know... I was only 9 months old our first year!), some are newer traditions and some have changed as we (my cousins, my sister and I) have gotten older.

One of these traditions is "family day". It is every Wednesday of our beach week, and on this day the dad's and our "Papaw" don't go golfing like they do every other day, and they stay home and spend quality time with all of the family. When we (the kids) were younger, this was the day when the dad's took us out to the water park. We spent the whole day there, just us and our dad's, and it was a blast. However, a few years ago we decided we had all kind of outgrown the water park. As fun as it was, we were not little kids anymore, so we decided to scrap that tradition.

However, in it's place we developed "Beach games" that were to be planned by the dad's and played by the kids on family day. So, the first year was fairly successful; we played our games and we all enjoyed ourselves, and it was a fun family bonding experience. Fast forward to last year, and beach games failed to take place. We blame the dad's, but they claim it's not their fault, so who knows who is to blame. Anyway, this year we decided to bring them back and make them better than ever.

So Friday, our last day at the beach, all the grand kids file out to the beach for beach games to begin. And this is how it started to go downhill. The planners of these games (my mom and my aunt Kara) decided that this should be like "Beach Olympics". We needed an opening ceremony and a closing ceremony. I laughed this off, thinking they were joking. They weren't. As everyone got outside to play or witness the games, the adults began to sing. Not only were they singing loud enough to get other people's attention on the beach, but they were singing The Star Spangled Banner. People around us on the beach started standing up, putting their hands on their heart as if they had to follow what we were doing, and some people just laughed at us. When some of my cousins started to laugh, because clearly this had to be a joke, our grandfather informed them that this song was "the most important song you'll ever hear." So in other words, shut up.

(Here are the teams, lined up preparing for battle!)

So, the beach games proceeded and of course there was sibling rivalry, cousin rivalry, and everything else you could expect. We were really a sight to be seen, out on the beach playing field day like games. People who were walking by literally stopped and watched either out of shock like WTF are they doing, or to laugh at us, either way they were staring. It is important to note that 6 out of the 8 cousins are girls, and we all know bikinis or any kind of bathing suit is not the most modest outfit. It is also not really conducive to running around the beach and pouring water into buckets, which is exactly what the game requires.See?

Then, there was the egg toss. Get a group of kids together, and toss eggs, and you are bound to get a mess. Even on the beach. The eggs ended up all over the beach and of course, in peoples hair because someone thought that was a good idea since it's apparently good for your hair.

(Passing the sponge game)

(Egg tosses are very intense!)

And obviously beach games would not be complete without some silly string to spray all over everyone. So now not only is everyone soaking wet, covered in egg, but also covered in silly string. And suddenly everyone looked like this:

Well, mostly just the adults looked like that, at least they were good sports! ;)

Then, for the closing ceremony it was decided the kids would shoot off rockets they had made earlier in the week as a craft. This is when disaster really struck. The rockets are not exactly high tech, and were made by kids ranging from 8-14. That being said, these rockets apparently had a mind of their own because when they were lunched, they landed everywhere. Including near other people on the beach, almost hitting people in the head. Some people were angry we were throwing rockets at them, some just laughed at us, obviously thinking we were crazy people.(Sadly, no pictures of this.)

21 years at the beach we have experienced many things, but this was definitely the first time that I can say for sure that we were the laughing stock of the beach. You know when people are pointing and laughing, it's pretty safe to assume they are not laughing with you.Oh well, what's a little embarrassment for family fun right!?

(Note to any and all family members who may be reading this, this post is intended to be a satirical recount of what happened. It is in no way supposed to be offensive to anyone involved in planning or participating in these games. Also, please don't kill me for posting pictures of you in your bathing suit. It had to be done.)

31DBBB: 2 Weeks Down!

2010-08-02T18:41:00.000-05:00

So, I made it through the first two weeks of the 31 Days to Build a Better Blog Challenge (see here for more explanation, I am trying not to be redundant.) without too many problems. When I decided to sign up for this thing, I wasn't sure what I was getting myself into, to be honest. All I knew is that A) It would help improve my blog and B) It would connect me to a lot of other bloggers, which is something I love to do. So I signed up and I followed along with the tasks and I posted in the forums and here I am, still just me and my blog, trying to make it through. A few of the things I have learned throughout this journey:

I have major Wordpress envy. Every time I see something cool on others blogs and ask "how did you do that?" The answer is always a Wordpress plug in. When I read The Pink Crab's Blogger vs. Wordpress post last week, all the comments voted Wordpress was better. I get it. Wordpress is the bomb. Now who wants to tell me how to afford it? I am just a poor college student after all!
Blogging is so much more than just writing down your random thoughts and publishing them for all to read, which is what I thought it was when I decided to start one. It is like a business. You have to market it, improve it, change it, and so on and so on. It's insane. I never realized how much effort blogging takes to be "successful" and how much behind the scenes stuff there is to it.
Apparently I'm supposed to know what my blog is about. According to the ProBlogger dude who started this 31 Days challenge "if you don't know what your blog is about, no one else will either." Great. So because I don't limit myself to blogging about one thing no one will know what my blog is about, and therefore not want to read it? Also, I am supposed to have a "niche" and there are supposed to be other bloggers out there who fit into my "niche". I googled college bloggers, college student bloggers to see what I could find. And the answer was pretty much nothing. Still searching for my "niche". Thoughts are appreciated.
Blogging is kind of high school. You either have to be really smart or really funny or something to be recognized by the "cool kids". If you want your blog post featured on the SITS weekly wrap ups, or Nirvana Mamma's blog or even just tweeted about by one of the leaders of this challenge.. well you better post something brilliant that people absolutely need to know or something so hysterical that people peed their pants. ~~Yeah, I'm not gonna hold my breath for that one.~~ The difference is, the homework for this challenge is way more fun than high school! The other day our assignment was to go to the mall... if that's not the best homework ever, I don't know what is!
Sometimes you have to go outside your comfort zone, but it's all for a good cause! A couple of these challenges have made me nervous, like early on when we were supposed to promote one our posts. This is when all my insecurities come out & I am afraid to ask people to read my stuff. But, once I stepped outside my comfort zone I got great feedback and it really paid off in the end!
It is pretty much impossible to keep up with all the blogs you read before the challenge, all the blogs you find through the challenge, and keep up with writing stuff on your own blog. Not to mention the daily challenges, and the forum posts. And forget about commenting. Also, if you have 15 minutes or whatever to read blogs, and you chose to peruse twitter for 31DBBB posts, be prepared for bloggy friend guilt. I always feel guilty because I am neglecting my current blog friends in hopes of making some new ones. That's the trade off I guess.
When you start dreaming about 31DBBB and all that you still need to accomplish because you are a few days behind, you know you have probably put a little too much pressure on yourself. It is supposed to be fun, after all. Although, it would be nice if you could accomplish things for real in your dreams. Like I had a dream that I got this post done, and voila it's done! If only...!
When you explain 31DBBB to one of your IRL friends that follows you on Twitter, their immediate response is "oh, is that what you've been going on and on about on Twitter?" Yes. Yes it is. Because tweeting about it is half the fun! To "outsiders" it seems that's all you tweet about, to 31DBBB people, you're normal.
The blogosphere is a small, small world. It is so fun to realize how many of 31DBBB friends know my other blog friends! We travel similar circles, and that is cool! Who can blame them? I know a lot of really awesome people here in the blogosphere!
When you get together a group of women (and one man as far as I know!) who are all talented, smart, creative and willing to help one another, great ideas are born!

Those are just a few of the things I have learned so far. I am sure I am forgetting things, and I am sure there are even more things yet to be learned in the next 15 days of the challenge!

Now, if inquiring minds want to know, I will show you my stats from the last 2 weeks. (A big thank you to Hannah at Bubbleboo who has answered all of my questions about how to make my stats look perfect!) The first week, I saw a steady incline in my numbers, but this week they were a lot lower. I'm not too worried about it, though. I was on vacation on not posting much, so why would people be coming over here?! The numbers might be down, but numbers aren't everything. I know my blog is improving and I am learning a lot! Here's my spreadsheet, color coded and everything!

So, there you have it... 14 days down, 15 to go! 31dbbb peers, what do you have to add to the list of what we've learned? Let me know!

7 Things You'll Thank Me For Later

2010-07-25T12:57:00.001-05:00

Today is Day 7 of the 31 Days to Build a Better Blog Challenge. Yeah, remember I mentioned that like a week ago? I haven't really been slacking, I just didn't think that every task required a post.

One of our first task was to make a list post. Obviously, I haven't done this yet, and today's post is to write a link post, so I figured I would kill two birds with one stone and make a list of 7 bloggers (7 for day 7 of the challenge!) who are also doing the challenge that you should definitely check out... and that you will want to thank me later for introducing you to! So, without further ado, meet my new blog friends! (Well, I hope they'll be my friends ;) )

Cate at Real Life With Kids- Last week when I tweeted that I couldn't complete that days task to promote yourself because I didn't feel any of my posts were worthy, she came over to my blog and found one she liked and linked up to me in her post that day! It really made me feel good! Not only is she so sweet to do that, but she is hilarious and awesome. She wrote a very informative post for the list day about why Cheeto's are awesome. The Cheeto's people should take note and get this girl on board to be their very own Cheeto blogger or something cool like that. Seriously, check her out and thank me later!
Kathryn at The Coastal Chick- This girl is not only sweet but she is funny! Her elevator pitch on Day 1 of the challenge not only made me feel like I'd known her forever, but it made me literally laugh out loud!
Designer Wife at The Glamorous Life of A Designer Wife- I was first impressed by her beautiful blog, but the content is even better than the design. She wrote a list about the 16 things she wished someone had told her before becoming a housewife, and it was hysterical! Also, she watches the Real Housewives on Bravo, which wins cool points in my book!
Multiple Mama- I clicked over to her site yesterday and instantly fell in love! Her blog is so well written! She's sarcastic, funny, and witty and you can't stop reading her blog. She summed up the first week of The ProBlogger challenge so well in her post Cool Girls Blog School (Part One) yesterday.
Cameron at Ingenue Mom- I found her blog last week, and ever since have not stopped reading! She is funny and very knowledgeable and has an all around fun blog to read! When we had to ~~stalk~~ observe another blogger in our niche, she wrote about Dear Baby, and got featured on SITS! Yesterday, she summed up the million articles we had to read by pointing out the best ones and talking about what she was going to do to improve her blog, which included a lot of GREAT ideas!
Melissa at The Pink Crab- I love her blog because she is super informative. Yesterday, she compiled a great list of the pros and cons of wordpress vs blogger, and it really helped me understand the differences! Also, last week, she listed free things you could get on the internet, and who doesn't link free things?!
Amy at Somebody's Parents- The first time I clicked over to Amy's blog, I knew I loved it. Not only is it really pretty, but it also had great content. Amy is expecting her first baby in less than 99 days, and she blogs about her journey of becoming someones parent & what goes along with it.

So, there you have it! I hope you will stop by and give these fabulous bloggers some love! I am so thankful I have found so many great blogs to read through this challenge!

(By the way, my fan page is 2 away from having 100 fans, so if you would please "like" it & help me get to 100!!)

Two Girls & A Scary Reptile

2010-07-23T19:44:00.000-05:00

Growing up with only a sister, the girls always outnumbered the one boy (my dad) in our house. Even our dog is a girl! Personally, I love having a sister and wouldn't change it for anything. There are some times, though, that we could probably use a little more testosterone in the house. Today was one of those times.

My sister was upstairs getting ready to meet her friends when I heard her call me. I went to go see what she needed, and I found her standing in the bathroom. I asked if she called me and she responded "help!" I panicked a little. Was she bleeding? Was something hurting? "What is wrong?!" I asked her. Then she told me the problem. Nothing was wrong with her, but there was an intruder in her bathroom. A lizard. And this lizard had made its self at home inside of her wig (gross!). She was freaking out and didn't know what to do, so she called me.

I was not much help, unfortunately. I am seriously afraid of reptiles, especially lizards. I don't know what it is, but they freak me out. They are just so gross and creepy. I really can't explain my aversion to them, it is just something about them I find sooooo off putting. So, naturally, I started freaking out and screaming like a girl. "Anna," I told her, "I hate lizards! I can't handle this! I don't know what to do!" I was so repulsed and had no idea what to do with this disgusting creature.

I did the first thing I could think of; I grabbed a bunch of tissues and tried to capture it. Well, that didn't work very well. So, new plan. All the while, we were both squealing like little girls and saying "OMG" over and over. Finally, we decide that we need to get it out of the wig, so we shake it, and sure enough the lizard comes flying out of the wig onto the floor. Great, now what? My sister grabbed a make up box or something to try and capture it in, but the stupid thing crawled into the hallway and found itself a corner to make itself comfortable in. Right next to my room, no less. Awesome.

So, we try to figure out what to do, and at this point, it decides to crawl into my room. At this point I'm totally freaking out even more because OMG, gross, IT'S IN MY ROOM. EW. I decide to do the next logical thing, call my mom. So she answers and I'm all "OMG." and she's like "What's going on?". "Um, there is a lizard in our house! And we don't know what to do with it." After I tell her this, she laughs. What is funny about this?! She thinks it's ridiculous I'm freaking out. No, it's not, it's gross! So, she tells me to chill out (not gonna happen) and get a broom and a dust pan, and sweep up the lizard and take it outside.

Alright, so now we have a plan of action. I go downstairs to get the broom and stuff, still freaking out. So, I come back with the broom, we take the box off that Anna put over him, and sure enough, he starts moving. EW. So, I quickly and frantically start sweeping (on the carpet, no less. Not the easiest surface to try to sweep something up) trying to get the lizard in the dust pan. Finally, I am successful and I start to make a run for the front door, but before I can even take two steps, the stupid thing crawls out of the dust pan. So now I am furiously sweeping the stupid lizard and Anna, who has always been empathetic to even the grossest animals (we used to have possums in our attic and when the animal control people captured them, Anna would name them!) is saying "don't kill it!". Oops. Too late. I guess I swept a little too hard, and well the lizard suffered the consequences. At least now I could sweep it into the dust pan and get it far, far away from my room!

So I take it outside and throw it in the yard and try not to throw up from getting a close look at it in the light. Gross. Anyway, right in the middle of all this chaos of trying to capture the lizard, my sister (who has always wanted an older brother, but instead she got me, ha!) says "see, this is why we need a brother! To do this kind of stuff for us." Good point, Anna. Too bad we're about 15 years too late to get a new sibling. Oh well, I guess we'll just have to suck it up and get over our girly fears!

1 Minute in the Elevator With Me

2010-07-19T21:16:00.001-05:00

So let's say you and I are in the elevator together, going up to the top floor or whatever. Don't get excited, this is not that kind of game (you know, where you say who you'd "hook up" with if you were stuck in an elevator with them... what I'm the only one whose mind went there? Whatever.). Anyway, so you and I are on the elevator and I have about a minute (or however long it takes to get to the top floor of wherever we are) to pitch my product (a.k.a. this blog) to you! What would I say to get you hooked? To have you leaving that elevator getting on your iPhone to look up my blog...

This is a challenge that was presented to me by ProBloggers 31 Days To Build A Better Blog Challenge, which I (along with 400 other women bloggers!) am participating in through SITS. One of the first things I did to start the challenge was to check out my stats, and thanks to Lynda, I put them in a spread sheet so I can track the progress throughout the 31 days! If inquiring minds want to know, here's a picture of the spreadsheet. My stats are not at all glamorous but I am just happy to have any and not all 0's across the board! ha! (Thanks bubbleboo for helping me figure out how to do this!)

Next, since I knew where I stood statistically (that is not an easy word to say!), I could get to work on Task 1: Create an Elevator Pitch and a Tagline for your blog.

This sounds easy enough, but when you think about what your blog has to offer other people, it gets a little fuzzy. It did for me, at least. After careful consideration (and some help from my new twitter friends), I came up with a tagline:
Just a college and sorority girl, trying to find the woman in me and living to blog about it.

It's not perfect, but I used some of the words from my header, which yes, are not my words, they are Britney Spears', but I wanted to incorporate the fact that I am at the in between stage in life, and that is what my blog is all about (or at least pretty much).

Next, I had to come up with my elevator pitch, to make you want to read my blog after we talked in the elevator (assuming that people actually talk in the elevator. Have you noticed that a conversation almost never takes place between strangers in an elevator? just saying). The elevator pitch would presumably go on your About Me page (which is coming one of these days), so people can understand what you're blog is all about. It's a work in progress, but here's what I came up with:

Short pitch: College girl wandering her way through her 20's and blogging every step of the way.

Longer pitch (assuming I got your attention with the short one, and you want to know more): College girl wandering her way through her 20's, and blogging all the moments of life including sorority life, a sister with cancer and everything else that comes along. It will make you laugh and it will make you cry, but come along for the ride as this girl looks to find the woman in her and leave behind the girl.

So what do you think?! You can be totally honest! I know it's not perfect, but I think it's a start, and hopefully throughout these 31 days as I learn more about my blog and blogging in general, I will continue to tweak it until it's perfect!

Make sure you check out all the other amazing bloggers participating in the challenge, and get ready for more blog bettering over here! (That's a word, ok!)

Over My Head

2010-07-16T17:42:00.000-05:00

(Is anyone else now singing the Fray "Over My Head" in their heads now? Because I have been since I titled this post & just wondering if I'm the only crazy one! ha Just a side note!) Sometimes I have a habit of taking on too much at once. I have trouble saying no, and I really enjoy getting involved in things, so sometimes I often jump right into things without thinking about all that I have going on first. Now is one of those times where I feel like I am doing too much, and I am in over my head. (still singing the song: "everyone knows I'm in over my head, over my heaaddd..." just me?)

This summer so far has been pretty low-key, not too stressful. Which is nice because I am stressed enough during the year that when I have the summer off, I really want to be off for real. Only now that it's ending, I suddenly feel like I have a million things on my plate I took on all at once (at least it seems that way).

First of all, I started summer school this week. Blah. Don't even get me started. I am not the least bit happy about this, and even less happy about the fact that it won't be over until like 2 days before I go back to school. Awesome. It's just one class, and it's online so I don't even have to go to class, but it overwhelms me. School in general just totally stresses me out and overwhelms me because it doesn't come naturally to me, and I am a slow learner. So school over the summer? Ugh. Plus, this class is a lot harder than I expected. Last summer I took another online history class and it was pretty much a breeze. This one.. not so much. It's all essay writing, and reading 10 chapters a week. Thank goodness my mom is helping or I would be really losing it.

Also, there's this thing called a job. I love my job. I love where I work and who I work with, and this is probably my last summer there after like 4 years, so I really want to enjoy it. And, I am. But it means full hour days (ok like 10-5, but still), and when you have class on top of that, it makes for a long day. Also, on the job note, I am interning again for College Lifestyles. Which is such an amazing internship, and I love it. But, when I am working and doing summer school, it's hard to keep up with another internship and even harder to come up with creative post ideas.

Because that's not enough, I have the stress of trying to lose weight before I go back to school. I finally graduated from Boot Camp yesterday. With a total loss of like 2 pounds. Awesome. Somedays, I think my clothes are fitting better so maybe I lost inches (or at least centimeters! ha), but ask me again tomorrow & I'll probably tell you my jeans are tighter than ever. This happens to me every summer. I come home with the intention to lose weight, then when it gets to July and I haven't lost anything yet, I panic. It's just part of who I am. I'm not giving up yet, I still have the rest of the summer and I even signed up for 2 more weeks of boot camp (I could only do 2 because of vacation and then going back to school), so there's hope yet! I just have to figure out how to squeeze exercise into my schedule.

On a blog note, not only do I have to keep up with this blog (which I really don't think of as a chore at all, it's definitely a hobby, but sometimes I have total blogger's block & I stress about not posting frequently enough to keep people interested. Silly, I know), but I also signed up for the SITS Girls' ProBlogger 31 Days to Build a Better Blog Challenge. This is something I am super excited about, because although I've been blogging for two years now, I still feel like I have a lot to learn about blogging and this will teach me that stuff! Plus, I it will be a great way to connect to other bloggers that are also doing the challenge. And connecting with other bloggers is one of the best parts about blogging, so that's awesome! However, when I started thinking about the fact that this starts on Monday, and everything else I have going on, I started to feel like I had gotten in way over my head. Then when it's all over, I have to turn around and go back to school.

I know that it will all be okay. I've made it through other busy times, and I can do it again. And since most of the things I'm doing are things I love anyway, it really isn't so bad! And at least when I start thinking that I've gotten in over my head, that song pops back into my head and I can laugh at myself for being a dork! ha Sorry for whining, I know people have way worse problems and other people are way busier than I am, but this is my life and I think it's busy, and this is my blog so I get to ~~complain~~ blog about it if I want to! I'm off to go to write a summer school essay... ~~*happy dance*~~